a foreign exchange student of sorts, unwelcomed

Today has been more difficult than most and as of late or actually for some time, no day is easy as the internal stress between myself and my parents, who insist on treating me like a child, does not strengthen, only deteriorates as they realize they are unable to treat me as an adult child and I am unable to get them to understand that cannot function as their thirteen year old. And the megativelt that was displayed as early as 6:42 am was pathetic and appalling at best, me being questinoed over why I might want New England Clam Chowder at the store for a grand total of 2.89 minus the 10percent my mother receives for being a senior citizen.

Obviously it was about something much deeper that never was shared and I stayed at a distance all day, watching the pitiful look of how I am wasting one's time, interfering in a life that consists of very little, negativity toward others an on going occurrence that seems to be worsening and their trip to Ohio this Tuesday cannot come soon enough, their belief that their pleasure is more important than making sure that I am in a state of comfort, have food items to prepare and even the strength or want to run their home while they are away.

And I am surprised as every action is watched, being told time and time again how to do tasks that I have been capable and able to do since my early teenage years, still left to be questions, my inability always challenged in their way of thinking. So I remain ZEN and find that even that is difficult as the power of negativity is so overwhelming, I can only continue to walk away and ignore wait is being said under, over and loudly through breath. I find it worse than pathetic, shameful at best and wonder some days, if they will wonder, seriously wonder what they will have missed with me as a 'guest' in their home, a guest that has more required of him now than when I was that pre-teen long ago, only now I am under orders NOT to do it, my stay being challenged, the anger strengthening, making me dread the tomorrow I so yearn to be a part of only in a setting that is positive, is supportive and most importantly, is full of love, not self proclaimed misery lingering on the past or nothing of relevance at all, only a made up story that sounds good when I finally decide to confront the situation I write about.

rust

Life has been anything but normal this week and concepts and ideas that I keep near and dear to my heart and soul I most definitely have put into question, being tested from various directions, answers unknown.

And still I see the beauty through the layers of thick fog, a walk with the dogs, them allowing me or expecting me to lead their pack, never complaining about distance, joyful in the conclusion with cold water and a handful of treats as each day we go a little further, worrying not so much about distance just me taking the time I need to clear my mind somewhat at dawns beginning and before the heat blazes.

Today I got my hands dirty and took some cactus of unknown names and made a ZEN garden that I can look at, enjoy and add to as I feel the need, the dogs laying next to me and watching intently as I explained to them what I was doing and why, knowing my reasoning, my secrets safe and sound with both Ashley Marie and Callie Sue.

The neighbor lost his battle with cancer yesterday, the one that wanted to speak with me to understand terminal illness and what I was experiencing only to get cold feet upon my ringing his doorbell and refusing to allow me to enter his abode, not just the day I was told to come but until he met his creator.

And tonight the pool in his back yard was lit up and through the fence I could see movement in the water and hear laughter, bellowing laughter and with that I felt a sense of comfort I had not seen in weeks as blinds were pulled and the absence of cars told the story of an illness that spiraled downward, he having admitted his lack of will to live more than five weeks prior.

The house behind us has a contract on it, something I have waited for and wondered if I would ever see or meet those that chose to buy something that I saw potential in, but could not figure out the vision the builder saw as currently the layout is livable, not worth the asking price that has been lowered four times since my arrival to Dallas. To my liking, the buyer is a Kappa Sigma, a brother from Texas Tech and instantly we had something in common, conversations to be had once he and his wife return from vacation to 'seal the deal'.

My medicines continue to be an issue of contention with insurance companies and the closing of Journey Hospice, prior authorizations being denied by someone who does not know me nor my medical team that has written in from two states demanding immediate attention so that I can continue my battle of survival, the uncertainty playing havoc with my id, ego and super ego, leaving me speechless with teary eyes and no self esteem.

And still I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that everything will work out as it is intended to, the master design continuing to work as it was laid out lifetimes ago or maybe more recent, possibly leaving me in darkness, still knowing energy does not die...it merely changes forms.

And before me I see the spirits dancing asking me to join them at all hours of any given day not forcing me but asking , leaving me the signs to know who most are, others remaining a mystery for a reason that soon I will learn of.

The coyotes continue to howl through the darkness and their presence is closer and yet when I walk I see not where they could be living as man has recently destroyed their property, their homes, to create a hospital, a neighborhood park with play equipment that has already begun rusting.

In seeing the equipment daily, I am reminded of my life, the rust standing out and becoming an annoyance that will stop me from a 'need to be done' chore so that I can write the city and tell them of my concern, knowing I am bothered as the rust has become a good representation of my life this week and hopefully, this week only as I watch issues slowly trickle into next week, before it even approaches in the blow winds from the North and the West, but as of yet, together.

And somewhere I will dig deep and find that something I am looking for to hold me head high, keep walking and travel light but with conviction and forethought, lots of forethought.

seven deadly sins

Yesterday Iw as surrounded by negative energy and could not escape it. I felt it as it sucked the marrow from my bones leaving me lifeless and tortured emotionally and spiritually. Today, the energy was distant but still lurking within arms length and this bothered me. I tried to keep my mind pure and my rituals real. I have no room for anything less than the truth as my hospice shuts its doors on Friday, leaving me to rot in a pit as I watch the Buzzards circle over head, occasionally bombing to peck my head or an arm just to make sure I know they are real and they are there.

The ramifications are enormous and to be facing a closure while I fight a terminal disease has stressed my organs thin, my mind often going into fight or flight mode as I watch and listen to the untruths told by Journey personnel, knowing that Karma will catch each and every one of them and sadly it is they who created such a destiny of pure hell on earth for themselves, leaving their patients to struggle alone, without proper care and without proper medication.

Hospice law is clear and Journey has decided to operate above all laws believing that closing their doors will release them from all liabilities...another disgraceful untruth.

With that I will refrain from speaking of Journey Hospice...I wash their stench off of my body and pity the very existence of those that operated so corrupt for so long.

processing

I am not avoiding writing quite the opposite. I am processing a horrific 24 hours and am not sure where to start and how to convey my thoughts as they are scattered from one side of the street down a hill and back up another. I can see them, but have not the strength to gather them up and claim them as my own right now. It simply is too much and although the reminders are constant, I am playing an unsuccessful game of avoidance for the mere purpose of protecting what I have left, mind body and spirit.

Often it is said that you experience set backs and as a result come through them a better person. I do not foresee this being the case. I feel abandoned, dumped as garbage and then kicked as the wind blew my pieces of self, of ego, hope and will around the neighborhood. Left to be stepped on, smelling, sweltering in the heat without a glass of water to drink as it too was shattered, the chards still stuck in my hands.

So it pains me to write as I process that which I did not see coming, and the aftermath and cleanup will be similar to that of hurricanes in Florida, which left me numb with so much to say I was to exhausted to say anything.

And to carry on and move forward as if nothing has happened would be nothing short of a lie, a huge lie and this I know. So I sit and I pace and I walk and I sing and I cry trying to find a spot, any spot on this earth where I can put myself back together and I know the process will be slow, physically demanding and mentally torturous. It is what it is and it is not pretty and certainly out of control and to know that my feelings have been created by the very group that promised me trust, promised me honesty, promised me their time and their courage.

Yesterday, Journey hospice shut its doors leaving me hanging. No warning , no medication refills, no medical records, no films. Only a letter, delivered for me to sign stating I was choosing to revoke their services. I did not sign that piece of paper and wonder how people supposedly so 'in tune' and compassionate can even look at themselves in the mirror for they where a lie to themselves, my family, to me.

I wish to run but my legs refuse to take me that far as it needs to be far, very far away but I also need to stay put and make sure Journey hospice learns the true meaning of ethical as what they did and how they did it yesterday was beyond unethical, it was sick, disgusting and sick, as they claimed to be the answer to my final path, my journey of disease leaving me hollow, incomplete and beyond angry as I still remain stunned, dumbfounded and lost in a sea of government tape that they tampered with maliciously and intentionally caring not a damn about patients such as me but only about their selfish wants and selfish desires and the lack of money they could make to fill their pockets...

I was left hanging, a modern day lynching, unfortunately for them, they never turned around to check for a pulse, assuming I was dead as they walked away, laughing.