I recently finished a series of questions presented to me by one going after her PHD. at Staffordshire University in England, going back and forth and back again, I had time to reflect before answering and while answering her research questions, realizing that as prepared as I am for the finality of my journey to cease, the want and desire to continue thrives just as great, if not greater than my body appearance seems to allow and dictate, hoping for more and more but knowing the odds are stacked on the other side, the side I have prepared myself to enter or so I thought until I began to question some of my original beliefs, wishes and desires, making changes on paper to the proper people without coercion, with a clear mind and spirit.

Its not fear that leads me down this path its the knowing that the end is near and know matter how hard I hope, how much I want, how great my will, my body is losing the battle that I knew it could not win as I see myself thinner, more gaunt, eyes darkened by circles of restlessness, hoarse from trying to speak in a normal tone knowing that normal is somethat that was a yesterday and has no more meaning in mylife and remains a memory that I too, soon will forget as I go further within myself, for many reasons, some to be shared and more to remain a mystery until I am but a memory and those that ask and may wonder will lern that who they thought I was was a not and someone different was always there, always waiting to be heard from but other 'things' were more important and continue to be and this, fine with me, is the truth of which I see as an ending I would never have written but will accept as the choice is limted and my options, less.

Its the dignity that will follow and the rest will never matter as it was not supposed to matter or I would report different, think different and feel different about my ending, my journey, my quality of life or lack there of and those that so desperately try to control much as they once did before, causing me to run and run faster and further only this time I am too tired, to weak to run but internally I hide and will never be found...

I will rest now as I was before my mind started to think and my fingers to type as sometimes happens, not often enough but happens, to allow others to make false judgments, stretch the truth as their own and try and silence me one more time or again.

closing in

Just as Spring rises with the sun and shows a glimpse of her face, the blow wind from the North closes in and fast, reversing all the signs previously visible by the naked eye and heard by the ears the day before, the previous night or a day to follow.

The white blossoms that were once calm and adorning the background of the subdivision slowly disappear as fast as they appeared, ending up in pieces for the dogs to chase around the backyard, blossoms gone, temperatures again dipping as if Old Man Winter continues to show his all mighty grace, his power and let all know that he is not yet finished.

And soon, we all will be wishing for the signs and the sounds still heard and toyed with, as the temperatures will rise and the heat will scorch the bottoms of our feet, until calluses are formed, slowly, over time.

The clocks are changed this Saturday letting us know that we are getting ever so closer to what has been, to me, a rough ride, a very rough ride of frigidity playing havoc with an already fragile system that has so little left in its tank to enjoy the beauty about and beginning to sprout all around as the ducks again quack, the birds fly in unison and build nests in gutters and feed off of feeders, leaves showing on branches that once were bare and storms building off in the distance awaiting their turn to wreak havoc upon all in its path...

Its mother nature at its finest as music is heard and a foreign language is mumbled loudly, nothing I can understand but knowing that the pounding of the hammers will take away more of the beauty already lost and as each day passes, the animals, the trees, the walkers will see less and less as the once beautiful setting changes to one of progress as homes bigger, closer and more costly than before take shape and claim their stake and place where nature once thrived, was enjoyed and admired for what it was and is.

And as the environment changes I change, often for the worse as my symptoms become more pronounced, my medications harder to swallow, my boy weaker and weaker and my body structure nothing but a skeleton waiting its turn to meet the creator of all I have mentioned and so much more...

I stopped counting at 30 pills per day knowing that soon a decision, my decision has to be made to to whether to continue the path of being kept alive by medication that is doing its own irreversible damage or I look deep within and decide I have had enough, felt enough and experienced enough at a young age.

And no matter how I look at it, there is no right answer, nothing that soothes my soul and answers my prayers as the grim reaper stays placed upon my shoulders, weighing me down a little more each day, just as I am about to enter my favorite time of the year, with less to offer and feelings strong, knowing that what ever I decide all that is around me will remain, change some, but remain and a memory I too will become like the tree's blossoms I watched blown with the velocity of the wind, the branches again showing signs of little life as they did only a week or two ago, much like my body, physically going up and going down, it becoming harder to get out of bed for longer periods of time without having to break and re-group, rest some more and try again, with patience, but knowing the end is closing faster than I wish for but longer than I expected at first beginnings.