the colors muddy

Later today I am informally scheduled to meet with my therapist who has resigned or been asked to resign her position not more than three weeks after I asked her point blank, with concern and need to know, whether she too would be leaving my hospice team as my previous nurse did.

I was reassured with a responding 'NO' and today I will see her, having learned not from her, but others who proclaim to be team members, what her future holds and more specifically how it related to my current health care.

After opening up and accepting her challenges and establishing a relationship that has been anything but clinical, my mind is cluttered in thought, my emotions heavy and my heart hurt.

I will prepare little for our meeting as I have little to say, the decisions made without my consent as the team leader, the pain real and the ramifications felt physically and mentally as I continue to share more with myself inward, and less with those around me. I am aware that people need to do what is right in their minds but am puzzled that after hearing so vividly how much support was before me and beside me, I am surprised to look in a direction to both sides and in front of me and see nothing and feel even less. The words once spoken, silent.

I have become a source of income for an organization that preaches comfort and dignity. I lie awake and wonder about a future knowing that others profess a desire to love with false hope and false promise leaving me the challenge to pick up a piece and paint a picture using some of the colors of my color wheel. The thought of picking up a palette knife is too painful and thus shoved further under the bed I try to rest in.

friday 11.08

My thoughts are not so pierced, my tongue less curt now that I have been 're' admitted to the house after inadvertently locking myself out sometime after 5am this morning. And the fact that I watched the lights flicker on in the master bathroom and they remained on for a period of time past my liking did nothing to comfort my situation. Having taken 2 diuretics, as directed and morphine only made the craving and more specifically, need, to use the bathroom that much more difficult and ah yes, frustrating.

No different then when I ride in a car and 'have to go', I had to go stronger and longer as I knew the possibility did exist, but the embarrassment and notion of going in my shorts kept me focused toward my goal of being noticed outside and ah yes, locked out.

Thankfully I was dressed and did not wander the alley barefoot and bare chested with boxer shorts as a neighbor down the way seems to do almost nightly to the point that it sparks laughter and head shaking amongst those that have observed him.

I thank the fact that I thought for some odd reason to depart with my lighter and my smokes were left on the back patio table, so after climbing a fence I was able to sit and blow signals, unseen, but signals that represented my frustration and sign of help.

Upon sun up, and the rise was nothing to write about, I wished for my glasses but on a list of many wishes they certainly were not the first nor were they the last. It is Friday and my weekend has begun with stories and style, all slightly after 7am.

longer than a moment

I watched out of the corner of my eye, my left eye as the core of my being left for longer than a moment and took flight. Around the room and toward the wall, in front of me, enough to make the hair on my arms stand to attention.

I watched out of the corner of my eye, my left eye as the real tears fell and I wished the core go onward and upward, onward and upward for I am tired and the thoughts too overwhelming and my destiny, well forthcoming.

And in the brief time that I was watching intently, I felt nothing and I enjoyed the feeling more than less and am convinced I will appreciate it fully as it begins to happen for longer periods of time and to the day that my core does not return and I no longer write.

well dressed

I was told today by a medical professional that he is simply amazed and awestruck at the amount of destruction and havoc the tests (black and white) show my internal system is under.

I stared and said nothing.

I had even less to say when he told me that I wear the test results well.