watching from outside of myself...

I always have to be prepared for the visit from Dr. V. as often the mental mind fuck is just too much to process at the time, later or anytime in the near future. Unfortunately, Friday was no different and could possibly the worst news that I have received during this journey of mine, my health deteriorating at a very fast pace, something I knew and could feel, but still seeing the results of testing in black and white and having to stare at the doctor face to face when I am wondering inside, sad, alone, all alone and scared and wanting to look away, often doing so is hard for me emotionally and it is at these time that I feel a complete separation of the mind, body and spirit and often...I sit above and although looking in the direction of Dr. V., I am watching from outside of myself...

I know my time has been a gift and I have surpassed all expectations set forth by the medical profession but I aslo anm not unaware that at some point it will all come tumbling down and that which I have been preparing for, the afterlife, will come into fruition and I will face the darkness, alone until my spirit guides assist me in the transition of life after death.

I think of those I am and will leave behind and understand there lack of calling, their lack of comfort and in some cases, their lack of communication what so ever and so many times I yearn for a phone call, a word of hope, something, anything, to let me know that they are still watching, still care as ZI care about them and sit waiting for the phone to ring, but it does not and I say I understand but to say it does not hurt, really hurt is anything but the truth and this saddens me as their lives have moved on without me in them, without a word of how and why they are doing what they are doing and without the ability to tell so many that I still do care,
deeply,
and completely and only wish....

the ship sails

My next adventure awaits me as I plan to cruise the Western Caribbean in May, possibly alone and by choice with the intent of meeting people from all over, with different intentions but all coming together on the same cruise line at the same time for a reason I am yet to know.

What better way to spend Cinco de Mayo than in Cozumel and Progresso, Mexico and the Yucatan before returning home with more stories to tell, adventures to share and people to remain in contact with.

It was a gift given by my brother, for two but with his permission I am choosing to cruise alone , to answer to no one and to follow only the posted rules creating my own fun as I see fit and as I feel as only going single can and will allow me to do.

It will be a freedom I so miss and so often write about not having and if only for a week, it is my freedom, something I will find, having lost it with the rules and regulations and lack of understanding I experience living at home. The feelings of being merely an adolescent will disappear if only for awhile but deserved and appreciated before I even set sail. I think about dining alone because I can, knowing I always feel for those I see doing what I am going to do, having realized that possibly it is not out of loneliness as I once thought but out of a need, a desire to re-connect with self on the vast waters where an entire world exists beneath me and around me and I will be a part of something new, something fresh and something I will not have the opportunity to do again as I have already been told that my system weakens and travel will get rougher and sooner than later I will make the decision to stop, with destiny calling my name.

Never have I cruised and believe I will find the experience nothing short of breath taking, when people ask, upon my return, if I had a good time and I simply smile and answer, 'the best'. I have little expectations and hope for decent weather and know down deep the experience itself will be an unforgettable memory worth sharing with those who choose to ask and listen and look as I visually will try to capture what I am feeling day by day, moment by moment, one person at a time...

a new beginning, so fragile, so innocent and so loved...

Alexandra Lauren Lane was born on 08 April, 2008 at 7:06 pm weighing in at 7lbs 6oz and 20 inches long. Mother and baby Lexy, as I shall call her, are healthy and doing remarkably well and will be making a visit sometime tomorrow so that I may be fortunate enough to meet her.

As I have looked at the pictures my brother has sent I have been amazed at how wide open her eyes are, the windows to the soul... and I wonder what she is thinking of this world, where she came from, is she an old soul or a new soul, will she know I am ill and will she know good from evil. What type of person will she be, what might she sound like? What curiosities and talents will she have and will she have a relationship, a loving relationship, with her mother and father?

I wonder how long I will be given the gift of watching her grow or will I fade quickly, only to be a memory in a photo album, possibly talked about and explained through someone else's perspective, she never remembering who her uncle was but knowing she had an uncle called Eric. Will she sense the love i feel toward her and smile upon first meeting? Is it possible we have met before, a time long before and she will gaze at me as I gaze at her, our eyes speaking as only they can speak, she sitting in my lap, making a grunt or two, grabbing a finger and holding on and leaving me with the scent of a baby....that innocence, child of G-D scent that never can be duplicated but so often talked about and loved by many.

I wait, I question and I wonder and think that maybe she does too...finding comfort in my existence as I will in hers'.