saturday 06.01

The South wind show her face mumbling. The vibrato at a near perfect pitch,
soulful.

To do anything but listen was shameful. Her grace I felt with a shiver on my skin. I watched a leaf, maple or oak perhaps, blow stopping briefly at my feet.

simplified

I had a past the surface conversation with my nurse this afternoon, one of many we have been having lately and while listening to her and watching her movement and processing her spoken word as thought,
I realized
how simple it was to form a bond with her as our relationship is based on the unconditional, whereas; others for which I struggle to grasp and maintain have that which has always made me turn around and walk in another direction,
conditions. Conditions that weight the legs and make each and every step more difficult, more challenging than it ever should be.

And I have said many times, I have the easy part as I am not left here to pick up the pieces, I will depend on others for that and anything I personally can do to make this experience simpler, I will. However, simple does not have a condition attached, spoken or not spoken. Simple is a way of trying to understand, trying to love what is left. Simple is the weed that has grown a wild flowerthrough a crack in the cement, in the middle of a busy city intersection that I occasionally walk by and simple makes me smile no matter what I might be thinking about or trying to forget. Simple brings me back to the here and the now and makes walking my journey more tolerable. And the energy simple provides is contagious to my current state of mind.

It simply is and today is the present and tomorrow has not arrived. I believe that a mind that wanders in the past is a troubled mind and given the circumstances for which I am continuing to breathe hope when there is no hope, the thought of focusing on anything other than the here and now troubles me. This type of focus is not simple, but complicated and complications usually and almost always have conditions.

Sadly, or maybe not, those that live in the past have lost my concentration, a good connection and it is my preference to greet them with silence as I am able to conserve more energy than combating a past, troubled or otherwise. It is not simple and it is not unconditional.

This is my journey and I am blessed and forever grateful to and for those that choose to walk with me in any form they feel comfortable. To those that care not to, I also understand. To those that feel an obligation and believe it is their responsibility, I feel a deep sadness toward them. For they are not walking unconditionally and thus every pebble and every stone that is stepped on is felt and sometimes wounds form that have no time to be mended as the journey, my journey, continues. And as I look back over my left shoulder at the distance traveled by myself and my traveling companions, I am able to see our footsteps and those bloodied do not represent anything peaceful and most probably remain stained with conditions that could easily be spelled out by the quantity of blood seen. And as I look over my right shoulder, I see the same distance traveled but no blood, conditions written or unwritten, simple footsteps from me and from others and the sight can only make me smile and feel good inside when everything internally hurts.

The only one that is forced to continue to walk is me as I know not how to quit and believe that the purpose, my purpose of living, would be muddied if I saw my disease as an obligation. As painful as it has been and continues to be, the calluses on the soles of my bare feet continue to thicken as I carefully, sometimes too carefully, continue my walk meeting and experiencing a variety of characters along the way, characters not too different than me that can accept, how ever difficult it may be, my trials and tribulations unconditionally.

The roads I walk are anything but flat, the left and right turns too many to count and the overall picture less reliable than a weather forecast. But I continue to walk and when another walks with me for a few moments or much longer, it becomes obvious instantly as to whether it is unconditional, allowing me to maintain a sense of dignity that is much needed or whether it is conditional, forcing me to walk, sometimes run,
alone,
in a different direction so that I, once again, can feel a sense of comfort with an ending that is somehow greatly simplified.

night fall

I am awestruck by the silence night fall commands. Shadows appear larger and small again as the clouds that have left the lingering rain smell race toward the North under the path of an almost full moon.

A lonely bird chirps and the chirp echoes off the side of the house as coyotes howl at a distance past one hundred yards.

A gate is opened and closed down the alley, the hinges in desperate need of WD-40, the footsteps a stiff drink and some slumber.

I am less concerned about time and worry. The darkness cast a spell of observation, one less cluttered by daily ritual, garbage trucks and Mexican song heard through the baritoned voice of a laborer helping construct seven thousand square foot homes for those wanting...
not needing.

time

I sense a change approaching and song from the black winged bird helps to confirm my sense. I feel the presence of the after life making itself known. The details astound me and those whom are speaking in tongue that I have not met before grab my attention and leave my mind to focus on their words which I understand and quickly forget. I release myself and surrender only to be told the time approaches but the time is not now.

monday 01.07

I pause as the cold takes a slumber in my shins, making them go numb slowly as winter makes her presence known. The landscape is barron. The leaves dead, their color faded and the smell of must surrounds. It is time for a resolution, New Year Resolution and at this point, I have none, the thinking overwhelming me as I have spent time reflecting on the year past. Enough said...as I continue to reflect on what was and what is meant to be.