misery loves company

Somewhere over time I heard and have even used the cliche, 'misery loves company' and find that the living situation that I am in, based upon my medical need not to live alone and my need to pay for the medical care that medicare will not pay for, I have seen misery loves company play out on a daily basis, to the point of the energy expended to be miserable be much greater than the energy that would be expended to be happy, enjoy life, be grateful for that you have been given and be positive about self, your surroundings and those persons surrounding you by choice or otherwise, instead of constant criticism that often times is so off the wall and far fetched that the mere repeat of what was said, how it was said and why it was said is beyond comical, beyond comprehension and just plane sick.

When the ridicule around me causes me to go inward and remove myself from simple situations on a daily basis, I have had to stop and realize how miserable the one causing me to lift myself from the negativity is.

When I tie a garbage bag and am told that it needs to be tied in 2 places, not just one, I can do nothing short of shake my head and laugh at the sickness and be thankful that I find it not contagious in my direction for I have disallowed it, no matter how miserable the company around me is and how hard the core of my being is shaken by the words and thoughts of an immediate family member and I feel no pity, for how can I pity such ugliness, such vial behavior from one who at one point I thought so highly of as a role model and still, cherish as a person, no matter how intense I see the lack of self love, which in turn, causes a constant, very constant, lashing out at those in misery's path.

When I cook out of a favor and a request and am criticized for the possibility of burning down the house instead of thanked for the kindness I gave, I can only walk away disenchanted, knowing the right of refusal is always there, but the right of refusal causes me more grief than sucking it up, stepping to the plate and basically ignoring my surroundings.

When I am criticized for the clutter in the room where I slumber due to the fact that I was never given an ample amount of living space to call my own, I have no choice but to walk away when I know that much of the reason for the clutter is the one who is screaming about it, refuses to move the things out of the room theat do not belong to me or to transfer me to the larger guest bedroom as that is full of clutter from the one yelling about my clutter.

When I make homemade fried chicken because I WANT to do it and am told that it is too much work and yet, the person complaining about the work did nothing to assit except drive me to the market I cannot help but walk away in disbelief at the words being spoken in my direction.

When I listen to the comments made as one watches talk show after talk show in the afternoon about the troubles of others, I can only wonder why one would want to subject one self to so much strife that is not theirs and yet instead, it is owned as if it is their's.

When I plan a vacation and am harassed as I am leaving, as another chooses to stay put and comment negatively about where I am going or who I am going with I can only wonder why there is such a lack of happiness when the opportunity that I take full advantage of is at the fingertips of misery and has been for much longer than I have been alive. Instead, energy is focused on trying to make my trip difficult or making me feel guilty for leaving something, when I know I have nothing here.

When I see the fear on the face of grocery clerks due to the nastiness that is spoken in their direction as they are scolded and told what to do more than once, I want to hide as I so often do everyday and focus my energies on myself, inward, and sharing with my dog who is able to provide the one thing that misery cannot, love without conditions, without expectations and certainly a day without misery.

And when I make the decision to strike up a conversation with misery I am often shunned, a dart of bitterness tossed toward my heart and an opinion I did not ask for spoken, often screamed as the only way, the right way, the way of misery who loves company.

Another late night and I find myself unable to slumber, sitting quietly in the room watching Ashley Marie as she sleeps peacefully, often awakening to check on me or see what I might be doing. I re-assure her that all is alright and she lays her head back down, with a groan of sorts and falls back to sleep, a light sleep as to know what I am doing.

I have made my excursion outdoors and the wind makes for an unpeaceful journey as the howling and the gusting takes the hot embers from my lit cigarettes and scatters them across the lawn and I watch as they burn themselves out, reminding me of a city at night turning off the lights the later it becomes and the more people retire for the evening.

My thoughts ramble in my head, much to do and more to think about and I have an uneasy feeling that will not go away with any medication, pain or otherwise. I think of my health and demand my mind stop and wander to other issues but coming back to the sickness that has caused me to write in the first place and although I accept the terms thrown in my direction, there are many questions that I cannot have answered to my satisfaction as there simply are no answers that suffice my wanting to know and my needing to know.

I listen as my belly growls and moans, as if a person is conducting a rendition of a song with a full blown orchestra of second graders, the rendition not so easy on the ears and the sounds themselves awkward at best and just plain bad...

I will make another attempt at going outside, believing that I need to keep moving, even at this hour as somehow, someway I am determined to get the slumber my body so yearns for but my mind disallows tonight, like most nights of late and in the past.

an outing

Friday night I got the opportunity to escape, to forget about what I had just learned and to feel freedom at the home of Brad and Nicole and the love they showed and the time we spent together was priceless, absolute and priceless.

I yearn for more evenings and nights like Friday as I was able to fly within myself and feel good, even though I explained to them what I had learned on Friday and yet the tears that we cried and the compassion that they showed made it all alright and I knew I was safe, wanted and loved,

as were they...