I should never be amazed at the power of energy as I know we are energy, energy surrounds us, energy created us, energy converts us from this plain to the next, so on and so on and so on some more.

What does amaze me is that no matter how powerful my energy is, put me in a room full of persons with negative energy and I literally fight to stay afloat. I too, for no reason that I can make sense and be comfortable with, can be consumed by negative energy and that energy....ever so powerful can do more damage in a short amount of time than positive energy can over the same amount of time. And the reason, I am yet to figure out, or not try as that too takes negative thinking to decipher negative thoughts and thus a cyclone is formed and it spins around and around and around again, no stopping but adding nothing positive in its path.

Not surprisingly, the negative has a greater influence than the positive and if one hears it enough, it becomes a thought the mind has a difficult time releasing for reasons, once again, I do not understand but know to try and figure out WHY is a waste of energy and thus; negativity, all consuming, is damaging and people who are negative thrive on negativity...whether it be a thought or an action it becomes their way of thinking and anything positive that is said or done in their path is not acceptable and cause for a greater sense of more negativity, taken as a direct threat or jealousy for a purpose unknown.

The saying you get more from honey than vinegar is a perfect example of the aforementioned. Talk to a representative with a goal in mind and you are much likely able to get and receive that goal with a positive attitude than a negative one and yet, some, for what ever reason, continue to thrive on their own negativity, the negativity of others and degrade any and all those that are positive in their surroundings...

...misery loves company and if you watch people long enough from close up or afar, you will notice that those that demand or live by negative principles attract negative people, live by negative thought and will use their negative energy to break down any and all sentient beings that enter their path with positive energy until the positive energy is either converted or often in my case, I choose to leave the negative space altogether, often continuing to be harassed or chastised as I walk away...thinking positive thoughts only and shaking my head as to how one can and is so negative before daylight, after resting a full night, something proven to improve the mind and the mind's ability for positive thought.

This leaves me to believe that some people are simply negative for no rhyme nor reason....they just are, cannot accept or understand happiness or the mere thought of something,
anything,
positive crossing their path.

heat

At 58 ticks past 4 in the morning I am awake, wide awake. Not that I am not exhausted, but past exhaustion. I am awake as I cannot find a spot anywhere that I look that has a degree of warmth to it. The temperature outside registers 33 with a blow wind howling from the North at a steady 15 miles per hour and the 'feel like' temperature, 26. The windows shake and the drafts are felt with every move I make, from the cold of the toilet seat to a stretch of my leg and my back, the cold is doing NOTHING but provide more pain and a constant reminder of the fractures and masses that were found on Friday.

I am layered and look like the marshmallow man, not able to move my extremities easily, all in the name of finding warmth and although my family speaks of the cold and knows too well of my medical dilemma, their refusal to turn on the heat is a sign of defiance and complete disregard for my needs, special needs, that they would not live without if they admitted to the chill they feel as well, the stubbornness not to turn on the heat going past overboard into the realm of insanity.

Point well taken for what ever reason, none that can nor is logical to me.

After all, Winter is rearing its head and has been for several weeks, leaves gone and temperatures falling, medicines having to be replaced as it is getting too cold indoor and thus is no longer usable, more money out of my pocket for a reason that I find less than humane, illogical and unjustifiable. Is it all to prove a point or because they are fat and do not feel the cold as I feel it? Yet they too live in layers, talk about how cold it is and still ignore the problem altogether.

The ten day forecast...even colder yet.

I called the doctor's office about one week and two days ago complaining of my back and the clamp like pain that was radiating from side all the way across. I could wait no longer and although I thought I had experience something similar before, I knew I needed this looked at, diagnosed properly and hopefully, treated.

Being the diagnostician that I am, I thought I knew what he would say, what he might prescribe and away with my day I would try to go. Wrong was I ever. In examining me he found five (5) stress fractures on and around the spine and the way it was explained, fairly simple, left more reason for deep concern for him and for me.

Imagine a stack of boxes all piled up and someone takes one of the boxes from the middle of the pile, the boxes fall. That is how he explained what is happening with my body structure. There no longer is enough mass to support the frame itself and thus, the fractures, the excruciating pain and as my illness progresses, the condition will become more and more acute.

We spoke of quality of life, the end nearing as it was sadly written on his face and I felt it but still, I tried to keep my attitude positive and hopes high as I watch my energy level slip even further, my spirit linger elsewhere and my resolution, once so valiant and strong, now struggling for mere survival.