to write again

I promised myself that I would write again and no matter what circumstances led to my absence for more time than I even expected, through the generosity of the written word and the verbal word, I realize how important it is to others as well as to myself that my writing continues as a given gift to be read, contributed to and displaying the gamut of emotions that I myself experience, knowing that with that also comes the pain of hurting others unintentionally as they continue to watch as I slowly travel down my life path, being held in earnest by many as the pain I go through can no longer be hidden and often is intolerable for those walking with me, needing breaks and often turning around, not to see nor think, as I myself need to sit more frequently and regain what little strength I have keeping me looking forward, knowing that to concentrate on anything but is counter productive and wasteful so forward I go.

For all those believers I thank you kindly, the blisters growing larger with every step, the energy consumed even causing my voice to be less audible as I no longer have the strength and the force behind it to enunciate what I am trying to say, the demands of saying something of worth, great enough, often unheard and a gross misinterpretation of 'your mumbling' to those I might be speaking to although I find that I have internalized much of me in an effort to conserve and perform the most simple of task.

And even with the recent tell all of my blood work which was discouraging, showing more activity in the damage of tissue and organs, I still am finding a way to write on this day, as much as rest is needed, knowing one day I will have plenty of time to rest and rest even more...

So I bid a goodnight, temporarily I hope as I will again lie down and seek the slumber my body so aches for, the aches themselves keeping me awake and unable to stay asleep for any great length of time as often even the touching of a sheet to my person is enough to send me into another orbit, the pain that intense.

Always, however, keeping in mind that as long as it's me, it's not someone else and that as slow and labored as it all may be, as misunderstood and rejected by others, denied too deep to ever reach the surface of truth, I still am breathing whereas so many others no longer have that luxury.

As I continue to move forward, often at a snail's pace, I look ahead of me, beside me, underneath me, behind me and realize that the complexities I experience are worth something and my story, for better and for worse, needs to be told as that was my purpose, my undertaking, when I started not knowing how far I might come, how difficult it might get and how fortunate I truly am, no matter how I look at life as I know given any state of mind I might be in, the nebulizer working overtime, the oxygen flowing and the medication being taking on a 24 - 7 clock remains a challenge but ALL persons and sentient beings have their challenges, mine different but no more demanding than another's from their point of view at the time, given what they can and cannot handle for my betterment or not...

peace over shadow, I shall remain constant until eternity and beyond...