'grounded'

I just finished walking barefoot in the light of the moon and lightning from an approaching Western storm, trying once again to my center of energy that feels physically depleted, mentally all over the map with the intention of calming down my aching body, my hurt soul.

The comments made by outsiders about my possible self destruction are not helping but worth exploring, the same persons who cast doubt over a team of doctors now stretching past four states that continue stating with certainty, my condition is terminal, time keeps ticking against my favor.

I realize those who chatter in my direction have been anything but truly supportive on my journey that now sees the need and want for closure sooner than later. so if grieving were to take place, they grieve their own pity for not taking the time nor the desire to know who I am from the inside out.
Instead continuing to treat me as the child they knew, the adult they have no time for unless it makes their lives more convenient, mine more destructive as I am forced into situations where I know right from wrong but their denial laughs at the thought that my illness deserves attention, that I deserve getting to know and they wish to assist me out of the labor of love that cannot be understood as it is a concept so simple but impossible for them to grasp, knowing deep that I suffer from their petty selfishness not just one day but everyday I remain tangled in their web of deceit and wrong doings just to try and find the harmony and balance I yearn for...

When my energy center is clogged as it has been the past few days, my ability to accomplish is lacking, my thoughts are all over the map, my accomplishments are few, my ideas large...

and I notice that I sit and spin, thinking and getting nowhere fast,

as the pressure continues to build like boiling water in a tea kettle, waiting for the whistle, the all clear, telling me that all is centered again and I finally can unwind the knot of my existence and breathe
normally.

Tonight has not been a good night for me to sleep as my mind paces back and forth, my body lying still and the combination makes for tossing and turning, random thoughts from nowhere that make little sense or are full of power that I refuse to write about as someone is reading, someone I do not trust, mistrust or simply do not think deserves to see my thoughts, period.

It is a time like now when I wonder and I wait for something, anything to trigger my organs to accept my medication, all at once or in doses that relieve pain completely or partially, in turn, calming my mind, my body and my spirit and instead I tap my fingers, toss to another side, plan a day that does not exist and question everything in my and on my

life path…