'lucy' sitting

energy extended

The fear that I might have thought, more significantly, months ago about returning to Florida never materialized. My constant thinking and coming to a better understanding of my disease process and my allowing myself to feel, squashed all doubts I had in believing that Florida would remind me of the place where I got sick, found out I was sick, or started diagnostics and emergency treatment. I was able to relax, communicate, listen and explore without worry, without regret.

And when it was time for me to return to Texas, I felt more than disappointment. I felt loss and the pain associated with loss and what I do miss from many years of living in the 'sunshine state'. And once again I realized how little relevance permanence has in life even though so much emphasis is placed on establishing roots, a where am I from or needing to belong somewhere, cause and effect.

I enjoyed my time and those whose presence I was in and I think of the memories created and the hope that more might linger several months down the line so that If I am able and willing, a return can be planned and shared as hope builds and I continue to form foundation around it all while knowing and thinking of the more definite, more complete act of living and the effort needed. Energy extended to be in the here and now.

otown, f l a

the end

I had a conversation with one of my hospice nurses yesterday morning and the thoughts I was left with, numbed me mentally as I was unable to conjure up the visions she was speaking about.
I asked about my decline and wanted to know what she knew, having seen, first hand, a family member die from a terminal illness that parallels mine with the exception, he was older and his contraction of organ failure was out of carelessness and not something that has left the brightest puzzled as to causation and timing, me being diseased at such a young age with no warning signs or causes for alarms leading up to last summer when my body's everyday functions went a rye and demanded my immediate attention and attention from medical personnel from varying degrees of specialty all focused on a cause and effect that still remains a complete mystery.

When she spoke about the very real possibility of my inability to communicate and make daily living decisions for myself as the end approaches, my inability to properly recognize persons in my life, situations in my life, and the innability to communicate my basic wants and needs, I stopped and listened intent. However, I knew no matter how hard I was trying I was not about to fully grasp the concepts she was explaining not out of her lack of a definition and her lack of knowledge. It was my own mind that could not or would not allow me to even visualize her thoughts as a reality in my not so distant future.

And the more I have thought about what she has said, the less I am retaining possibly out of fear but more likely out of the fact to accept her words as truth, I am forced to give up that which I hold and cling to dearly, hope. To think any different than hope as a centerpiece I find to surreal and disturbing as while the process of demise continues, physical and mental, I will be unable to truly recognize that and those making up my life and since there is no cure, while I am going through the bitter end, my actions or lack thereof will become a memory for those few I allow around me and something that certainly does not travel with my soul but remains part of the final chapter, the final words written about me living.

Consciously, I have made the decision to find a way to communicate, possibly through symbols, my experience, my internal shutdown if not completely but enough so everyone who wishes will have a true understanding of what my last days and hours could have been like if they choose to listen and watch for that which I am leaving behind.

I know however I concentrate and try to explain what I am feeling and what is happening, the concept cannot be fully grasp by those asking and watching as it it solely my life experience and my ending, something only I will fully experience from inside out, above and beyond to hereafter and possibly before.