becoming one within, as I sense the end...

I have dealt with some mentally grueling and painful issues this week and the week past and the culmination of the stress, the uneasiness, the hurt that I personally have experienced has now manifested itself into physical havoc as my body now suffers and as I continue to pour my energy into finding or re-finding that center, the balance of energy that I need to sustain and mantain some sort of sanity, I know it is lost, temporarily, I think but serious enough to have a frank discussion with medical personnel about 'the next step'.

Its time to increase medications as the pain just does not go away, the nausea a constant reminder of the internal fight that is taking place and even when I think I feel good, its temporary and I fight resting, fight eating and simply fight as my body is program into a fight or flight mode and although I know flight is coming as the end becomes clearer to me, I still wish to fight and thus, there is no other option than to increase medicines, alter medicines and see how my body reacts as my insurance company begins to pay for less and less.

My ability to do daily rituals, chores that once where greeted with a thank you but now are expected as something that is MY responsibility has become more and more difficult and especially when I know another part of my mind, body, spirit is out of balance, it only makes those tasks that once appeared simple, more difficult, more labor intensive and more taxing on me.

It cannot be too much longer before hospice is called in again, this time not against my will as I know I need the help of an aide, the nursing care and the ability to speak in depth with a social worker about that which they cannot understand, the end of the life process and I prefer to do it while my mind is able to operate somewhat or at a capacity less than full, but better than most, a gift I do not take for granted.

I find myself turning inward, having less to say and few to say it to, spending a great deal of alone time just due where I live, the wind over powering my ability to get around on my bike as a headwind of 27 mph and above for the past week, does not bod well for my wanting and needing to go and be elsewhere. And possibly it is escape as I sense the end and see it more clear, but there still is much I feel I want to do, need to do and hope that I am given the time to accomplish at least some of what I feel I need before I lay down and finally rest and rest peacefully for eternity...

I have not intentionally been giving my fingers a break and avoiding writing. Just the opposite. I have had so much to write and my thoughts have been so deep that I have not had the emotional where with all to put down what I have been feeling,thinking and experiencing for fear that the emotional weight (baggage) has been so intense it might just send me walking right over the edge.

I have used exercise and meditation and reading as forms of quieting my bruised persona but nothing seems to be really taking the edge off and combine that with new and existing medical complications, the usual doubters that voice such doubt and I must say May did not end on a very high note.

In fact, there is a lot about the entire month I would like to forget and by not writing, over time the memories will fade too as I will slowly loose recall of how I was feeling and the events that triggered such a sluggish personality that I currently drag around.

But June is upon us, the grass is greener, Summer looks as if its going to stay for awhile so I am hoping I fall into a rhythm of sorts and enjoy what I have left to enjoy and allow the rest to slide off my sun screened back....

I have made goals within myself to write more and often as I enjoy the outcome and it does help mind, body, spirit. Especially the thoughts I think while listening to the coyotes in the distance, the calls of nature, the falling of the sun only to watch it rise another day, continuing to count my blessings to be a part of something, a tangible I can hold on to and smile about for a minute or maybe longer.