an 'earthquake'

An 'earthquake' hit and although I was not at the epicenter, I too feel the after shocks. Its difficult to determine what happened as it happened swiftly and without warning, the debris still falling, the intensity evident on the faces of all those involved directly or indirectly, like myself.

Still, I too feel the hurt as it surrounds like a dark cloud, no rhyme or reason given yet and I wonder if the truth will ever be spoken, the damage so great that repair of the brick and mortar will not hide the cracks so evident in the foundation, the core of what was to be a family event, an occasion somewhat special, talked about, planned and prepared for.

And yet for what ever reason(s), still unknown, something happened, something drastic and with a word spoken there and another not spoken elsewhere the damage was done and unfortunately I will not live to see the mend, but my demise might be what brings the family back together and thus, my purpose explained when its too late, always when its too late...

a complex handshake

My brother, distant from me and visa versa for many years now with his two children and future wife to be, according to what I have been told, came to visit, a short stay, but a stay just the same. I was in the room where I slumber when they entered the house and made sure I took the time to meet each one, extending my hand and looking at my brother first, nephews second and brother's fiancee last, welcoming her to Texas as I welcomed the two boys and my brother, with conviction and sincerity, an introduction that was long over due, not planned for but needed in order for me to forgive, move forward and continue with what is left of my journey.

I was invited to partake in their dinner arrangement as they were walking out the door, something I declined as my work had been finished, me making the first move, not to claim victory or settle a score, but to show maturity and a warmth that has been missing for years and for reasons I can no longer remember other than the closeness one normally or sometimes sees between brothers was not there as our differences were many and never did either of us take the time to get to know one another on a surface level or past, at any point while growing up or as adults.

The distance that formed years ago continued to grow like a cancer out of control until one day it was simply too late and a phone call was out of the question, a hello unwarranted and those around us always wonder what happened as I do and am sure my brother does too...today, yesterday and tomorrow.

comfort

When Dr. V. came this week and confirmed what my mind had been telling me, but my humanistic side pushing it deeper and deeper inward, it became a somber week. I always say we are spirits living a human experience but when your future is mapped out so blatant before you in black and white, it is more than difficult to practice what I so often preach...

...desperately I saw myself wanting, needing to reach out and be comforted, but the comfort was not there. I simply did not reach and clearly put, none was offered.

It has become easier and easier for those that see me that know, truly know, how close I am to leaving this world for another, to respond by saying, 'but you look good' and although I do take it as a compliment, it makes me pause, reflect and wonder why such denial when they know denial is not part of the journey I want or need to experience.

I realize how wrapped up others instantly become in their own personal 'drama' per say, and concluded that it is better to keep my thoughts my own than share as although I never wanted to put up blinds to shut people out, It is easier to wear blinds than think about how many do not have the desire to peek in as that is hurtful and I believe I have endured enough hurt.

So although I have hit another 'bump' in the road, a large bump indeed, I still know where I am going, it is just semantics now, timing that no one, not even the best of the best can predict and the waiting , although I try not to, is painstakingly, gut wrenching when I think of the conclusion, finality and all the misnomers that will be spoken or thought and for some odd reason, it bothers me, keeping me in a somber state.

And I think of the words THE END and what they mean and so desperately want to be here to comfort those when those words are spoken, but know the same persons I want to comfort are the ones that are unable to comfort me....