beauty

Today I found to be a day filled with beauty. It was beauty I have yet to do nothing more than accept and I believe that allowing the day to just be is beautiful enough.

And sadly, through the beauty my intestines decided, even before I, that they, along with other organs would crush my beauty. The aches were there. The pain became almost unbearable and whether I rocked from front to back holding a quilt or whether I laid down, I could not get the pain, 'the belly ache' under control. Still, as I write, I wish my body would relax. It's no longer fun to make up words and sentences from the grumblings I hear inside, not today.

And as I think of those I have spoken with today via the tele or e-mail I heard many times that they felt something was not right with me and I did not dispute any one's thought for through the beauty I also saw the truth and the truth has told me for several weeks now that my tasks are becoming more difficult and as I try not to dwell on the changes, my belief that I am doing so little but it has become so difficult is frightening.

The energy is not there and as I wait for it's return, I continue to rock back and forth for I no longer know what to do and other than screaming 'I am hurt', my physical gives me even less than nothing else to concentrate for darkness came quickly and tomorrow had forced good nights and I vomited again all for the beauty I refuse to forget.