My lack of entries as of late is certainly not due to my lack of thoughts, quite the opposite.

I actually have found myself in deep thought, some of which I am not sure I am ready to see in black and white, let alone share with another person...

after day after day...

For reasons that are unknown to me and unknown to my medical team, I am somewhat amazed at the days that pass when my medication just does not seem to work properly, the pain raising from the twilight sleep it sits in, giving me a jolt, a thump and another thump to let me know how very real and very intense it is and can get without an answer or any bit of relief...

And then there are evenings like this evening where all of my medication seems to have hit at once, calming my system, mind body and spirit and allowing a part of me to relax that usually remains in the state of 'fight or flight', giving the rest of me an ability to realize the intensity for which I now try to control and recover somewhat from, as if anything I do or any movement I make is just another sign of the constant battle that plagues me, how brittle the little tissue surrounding my bones truly is.

...as I look in the mirror and wonder where I went, the thinning becoming so very obvious its hard to hide under the layers I wear, not for that intention, but because I chill so very easy and have found myself in more pants and long shorts than anything that the Texas heat should and always has brought in the past.

As my sizes shrink and the fatigue I wear only gets heavier and more difficult to control, I hope for a few hours of slumber, sometimes the mere thought of, a task itself so exhausting it take me a day or two to finish what it once took me all of 5 minutes from thought to ending and completion, trying to do more and push myself harder as there are so many days that the slight push is enough to make me collapse and demand rest here, now and until I am ready to rejoin the life that goes on around and about me.

I yearn for the days of long and projects into and past the fall of night only to now know that for that to happen is a luxury I see very little of and try to take advantage of, as there are plenty of bad moments that continue through an entire day, moments where no rest is enough, no thought too positive and no pill the antidote to major organs struggling to keep me afloat as my legs paddle underneath, but gently, the splash possibly putting my system in an overload I loathe but experience all too often
after day after day...