the nuisance factor

Coming on service (hospice) again has provided me with another mental challenge, greater than I expected, deeper rooted than I ever dreamt, adding another challenge to my already thought of, 'full plate' , as my mind constantly works overtime knowing that as hard as I have relied on hope and will to live, I can only prevail for so long before my organs are going to give way, my body fail me, my mind go into overdrive until fully sedated as I prepare to take flight and meet my creator.

All the beliefs and scenarios I had played in my head and talked out load are being tested again. revisited, as signing the papers as a hospice patient has a hospice patient has only left me with the feeling that I have failed myself, unable to prevail and continue without the help of end of life care, something I once thought I was ready for but now know I never was, feeling now what I never felt before, physically and otherwise, my body weaker, thinner, more gaunt and my mind left more cloudy not by medications but by a disease process I embraced some time ago, but a process that is here to wreak havoc on me, that which I know and that which I do not.

I cannot call myself a failure for outliving what was expected, but no that others have, as they see this process as a long drawn out scenario that is nothing more than an inconvenience, an inconvenience they have no problem sharing with me, making innuendos about me that hurt on a surface level but beyond the surface, near my heart and soul.

And to know that I will take such feelings into the afterworld more than frightens me, angers me and makes me wish I could simply go away as the nuisance factor has grown like a wild weed to some, and trying to hide such a feeling from me simply does not work as I see it, hear it, sense it and eventually experience it through their actions or lack thereof.

So as I think of my final days and the care that might be needed, I am frightened and rightfully so, having watched some that are telling my medical team they are here to take care of me, knowing they never were from the beginning and the idea that one might snap a finger and their feelings toward me or my disease will instantly change is absurd and unfortunately,
this,
I sense to often,
feel
too deep, knowing people do not change, will not change but certainly put forth the effort to convince those in the know,
different on a surface level.

talk of my last will and testamnet

Its not uncommon to walk around this home, my parents home, as I so often am reminded, and here phrases or sentences directed at me for some comment I have made, me hearing what was said 'under the breath' only to say excuse me, hoping it will be repeated loud enough for me to hear it again, only for the person having spoke inflammatory remarks to say, 'oh nothing'.

The more adamant one is about there 'under the breath' comment, the louder it is, but never quite loud enough to spark a conversation a denial or their truth. This evening comments were made about my will, the focus of my brother and I, having a signing this Friday, learning that the papers previously signed would not be seen as legal in the state of Texas. And it was interesting to 'hear' talk of how material things are just things and I have not learned this concept.

The funny thing to me as such assumptions are being made loud enough for me to hear, with the intent for me to hear, as they are discussed when I am not in the room, which is more often than not, the one(s) doing the speaking have no idea what the purpose of my paperwork is and that 'things', material or otherwise, are not the reasoning nor rationale for my last will and testament.

The will sets up my executor, my final wishes regarding my death, a possible viewing, my cremation and spreading of my ashes, the person in charge of said wishes and any medical procedures I adamantly refuse or adhere to as my body weakens and in the event I no longer am able to make decisions on my own due to my mental capacity or simply, my being to sick to act on my behalf.

Once I am dead there is no more power of attorney but an executor, appointed by me, to carry out my wishes, medical and otherwise wherein my things can and may be distributed but only under the request I set forth, any member set to receive anything losing all privilege and revoking all rights to my belongings IF they try to contest, manipulate or not adhere to my wishes.

This being said, it is not done out of secrecy, malice of forethought or stupidity, but is well thought out, knowing my executor and myself are 'on the same page' when it comes to what I want and expect when I no longer exist on this plain.

As far as material things go, it is good to hear those talking about my materialistic ways as the easiest way to prove that they are 'just things' and I understand the bigger picture is to exclude the person(s) completely. After all, they are the one(s) that speak of my need to learn these basic principles and yet they are the one(s) that listen to my medical team, hear what they want and discard the rest, still expecting me to perform as if nothing was wrong...

short circuits

No matter how strong the dosage and how strict my regiment is for medication, nothing as of yet, has shut my mind down from wondering and wandering aimlessly through the fears associated with death and dying.

No matter how strong my belief system, my convictions, my hope and my will, my mind still thinks, and the thinking questions everything that I believe IS and that which I believe IS NOT. And no matter how prepared I maybe with a series of legal documents stating my final wishes, and the faith I have in my brother to carry out my wishes, I still will not know those wishes are carried out.

It is blind trust and a bond that is, at times, fragile, as he too has human emotions. Losing someone, anyone is difficult, but planning to lose yourself is so unexpected and so taxing on the body, the mind, and all those that surround me or choose not to, sometimes I wonder how and where I find the ability to fight onward, a little further, another day or even for another breath.

And although I live much more carefree knowing my fate, I remain logical and that logic continues to play tricks on all I have sorted through again and over again...