jumbled

My inability to travel this week to Northern California gave me too much time to think and reflect on what I want and what I have needed to maintain my happiness. If I knew then what I know now, an often overstated, but sometimes quite wise phrase and in my situation, for my sanity and even maybe the sanity of those around me, I would not have made the move to Dallas a permanent move. It was not the giving everything I owned, and they were things, but they were also my things away and more too often watching as people piltered through that what they wanted or thought they needed, leaving the rest for a dumpster . It was just people period and not having a solid foundation around me and in front of me, especially in Dallas to assist me with the often raw and always exposed emotion, human emotion, I would battle out of respect and self dignity.

Now that I am here I still think and often plan to get a medical release that will be my golden ticket to instantly change my situation for my better, my liking and my convenience. And although I have been told by more than one medical professional this is a pipedream, a not expected to happen in my remaining time.

Too many thirty days passed prior to me returning to the nest and although my rationale was warranted at the time, I never stopped to think how my disease process would affect me and the constant alone time would become an enemy of sorts too, the isolation grueling, the lack of socialization a sentence for self destruction.

friday 27.07

I went to bed at a semi decent hour for me, early even by standards of others in the house, possibly because my stomach was communicating in a foreign language and I new not what it was saying, just that the louder and longer mumbles did nothing for my equilibrium and desire to accomplish something late nightish.

I did not fall asleep yawning or even with a light on. I simply feel asleep with a raw gut and new my options were few and the best idea thinking at the moment was to turn out the lights and give it another try today, after a few hours of silence and settlement.

Silence and settlement being true, I awoke to the same degree of uncomfortable I remember only hours ago and in keeping with the psychological 'feel good nature' Fridays tend to bring I will wait, not with anticipation nor too much thought, to see if my physical attitude improves with the passing of the day.

I long for that spark in my social calendar which was misplaced and found next to the curb, flattened, like a tire that had participated in unwanted road rage and I am determined that with the right fixer up I too will soon and once again begin to reap the reward a Friday can and has brought, still keeping in mind my medication is not stable and to do so would only lengthen my stay on an island I have complained about for the better part of the week.

So cautiously I will lift a shade or two, sunglasses ready to provide cover and resign myself to the idea that it is becoming more important to yearn for the ability to create my own trouble, graceful or not, as the purpose in doing so will give me that needed social spark and I have the weekend to fully recover from an adventure gone bad or simply just misdirected. Besides I already prepared myself for something, self exploration in California and the thought of no exploration at all does nothing but frighten me, add the fact that I remain in Texas with no exodus to call my own is worrisome.

sucking sand

One of the things I realized this evening as I awoke still ship wrecked and sucking sand, not intentionally, but it happened spontaneously, because I was positioned on my stomach with my head down, breathing through the mouth can be quite unsanitary and the after affects, linger. Move slow captain as the ship is still wrecked, splintered wood too many to capture, the crew missing and the natives, seen from a mere distance of thirty-two paces, restless and hungry.

I surely thought by now that my virus would have passed but now question whether the virus has not diverted elsewhere because it is being called a virus instead of a bacterial infection. One goes away and the other needs a little pharmaceutical shove off. Like a castaway I await the arrival of the morning sun and a time to make a beeline straight toward the city of Dallas, not to tell my latest saga, but simply to people watch and blow off some pent up energy which, to my ego, is a sign that improvement is taking place, slowly, but improvement welcomed.

Another couple swigs of mouthwash and a powerful waterpick and I will feel capable of moving forward toward a cold shower, an artistic endeavor and plenty of idle chat over the tele to determine a destination of travel outside of the norm of my safe places to visit.

ship wrecked

With a cracked bottom (ship bottom) and a pack of wilted American Spirits aspirating from treading water, I have bowed out gracefully and postponed, cancelled (semantics simply) my excursion to California. It did not help that I was receiving a fentanyl patch this weekend that has left me with a fever, delusions of grandeur and a stomach ache the size of Rochester, Minnesota. At first I thought it was bad fish, but I ate none and then I thought to much port, but my palette was too dry.

I sit and watch my ship sink for now, until I feel the venture out West , hopefully, counted in days and not months and weeks. I chart a course for rest in a hospice bed instead of wine in Sonoma Valley and wait as this feeling too, disappointment, should pass as the medicine leaves my system and the virus accompanying it finds a different host. I will not sit idle long but today and into tomorrow it is the right thing.

A short day trip to Dallas by Wednesday could be an attainable and lofty goal for this seasoned captain.