processing
I am not avoiding writing quite the opposite. I am processing a horrific 24 hours and am not sure where to start and how to convey my thoughts as they are scattered from one side of the street down a hill and back up another. I can see them, but have not the strength to gather them up and claim them as my own right now. It simply is too much and although the reminders are constant, I am playing an unsuccessful game of avoidance for the mere purpose of protecting what I have left, mind body and spirit.
Often it is said that you experience set backs and as a result come through them a better person. I do not foresee this being the case. I feel abandoned, dumped as garbage and then kicked as the wind blew my pieces of self, of ego, hope and will around the neighborhood. Left to be stepped on, smelling, sweltering in the heat without a glass of water to drink as it too was shattered, the chards still stuck in my hands.
So it pains me to write as I process that which I did not see coming, and the aftermath and cleanup will be similar to that of hurricanes in Florida, which left me numb with so much to say I was to exhausted to say anything.
And to carry on and move forward as if nothing has happened would be nothing short of a lie, a huge lie and this I know. So I sit and I pace and I walk and I sing and I cry trying to find a spot, any spot on this earth where I can put myself back together and I know the process will be slow, physically demanding and mentally torturous. It is what it is and it is not pretty and certainly out of control and to know that my feelings have been created by the very group that promised me trust, promised me honesty, promised me their time and their courage.
Yesterday, Journey hospice shut its doors leaving me hanging. No warning , no medication refills, no medical records, no films. Only a letter, delivered for me to sign stating I was choosing to revoke their services. I did not sign that piece of paper and wonder how people supposedly so 'in tune' and compassionate can even look at themselves in the mirror for they where a lie to themselves, my family, to me.
I wish to run but my legs refuse to take me that far as it needs to be far, very far away but I also need to stay put and make sure Journey hospice learns the true meaning of ethical as what they did and how they did it yesterday was beyond unethical, it was sick, disgusting and sick, as they claimed to be the answer to my final path, my journey of disease leaving me hollow, incomplete and beyond angry as I still remain stunned, dumbfounded and lost in a sea of government tape that they tampered with maliciously and intentionally caring not a damn about patients such as me but only about their selfish wants and selfish desires and the lack of money they could make to fill their pockets...
I was left hanging, a modern day lynching, unfortunately for them, they never turned around to check for a pulse, assuming I was dead as they walked away, laughing.
Often it is said that you experience set backs and as a result come through them a better person. I do not foresee this being the case. I feel abandoned, dumped as garbage and then kicked as the wind blew my pieces of self, of ego, hope and will around the neighborhood. Left to be stepped on, smelling, sweltering in the heat without a glass of water to drink as it too was shattered, the chards still stuck in my hands.
So it pains me to write as I process that which I did not see coming, and the aftermath and cleanup will be similar to that of hurricanes in Florida, which left me numb with so much to say I was to exhausted to say anything.
And to carry on and move forward as if nothing has happened would be nothing short of a lie, a huge lie and this I know. So I sit and I pace and I walk and I sing and I cry trying to find a spot, any spot on this earth where I can put myself back together and I know the process will be slow, physically demanding and mentally torturous. It is what it is and it is not pretty and certainly out of control and to know that my feelings have been created by the very group that promised me trust, promised me honesty, promised me their time and their courage.
Yesterday, Journey hospice shut its doors leaving me hanging. No warning , no medication refills, no medical records, no films. Only a letter, delivered for me to sign stating I was choosing to revoke their services. I did not sign that piece of paper and wonder how people supposedly so 'in tune' and compassionate can even look at themselves in the mirror for they where a lie to themselves, my family, to me.
I wish to run but my legs refuse to take me that far as it needs to be far, very far away but I also need to stay put and make sure Journey hospice learns the true meaning of ethical as what they did and how they did it yesterday was beyond unethical, it was sick, disgusting and sick, as they claimed to be the answer to my final path, my journey of disease leaving me hollow, incomplete and beyond angry as I still remain stunned, dumbfounded and lost in a sea of government tape that they tampered with maliciously and intentionally caring not a damn about patients such as me but only about their selfish wants and selfish desires and the lack of money they could make to fill their pockets...
I was left hanging, a modern day lynching, unfortunately for them, they never turned around to check for a pulse, assuming I was dead as they walked away, laughing.
posted by the warrior at 12:25 AM
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