Someone took the sleep bug and hid him as tonight I was not bitten and remain awake in the dark, yearning for a wink or two but listening to my mind take off like a bottle rocket on the fourth of July. I feel exhausted but my eyes do not want to shut and if it were to be any warmer I would not be sitting here, but in the backyard smoking cigarettes and drinking tea and allowing my thoughts to wander until finally I am able to reel them in and tuck them safely away until another day.

I wish I could muster enough strength for my father to feel the venomous hatred I have toward him right now. His surgery was worrisome enough, his game of I cant's making me sick, his laughter as an aide washes his ass, repulsive and the pity he demands, shameful.

To know that his own misdoings has created a mess physically for him and psychologically for the rest is beyond pathetic and to comment further might empower him. To know he has the ability and refuses to try and would rather lay still in a hospital bed is sad and his teachings can all be thrown out the window for the fight he spoke about is no longer. His own selfishness overtaken by pink elephants and rabbits that he sees from the medicine he continues to request, knowing it too is keeping him at bay from family, friends and all those that are trying to help him get better.

He himself is the problem, not the surgery, the post op or the disease process. Unlike other I refuse to be at his beck and call and listen as he jokes about his predicament, his sorrows and wows that he himself created for all around to witness.

He quit.

chicago

My Chicago trip is coming along nicely in the planning stages with ticket bought, inquiries into hotel rooms and reservations being made. Now its a matter of Momma Carole and I deciding what we want to do, remembering we also intend to get much wanted and deserved r&r. An art museum, a show, good food, a nice hotel is what we have sought and all is falling into our laps. The details still needing our attention as the excitement and thrill of meeting in a foreign city makes us smile inward and as the trip approaches, those smiles will be outward for the world to see...