rust
Life has been anything but normal this week and concepts and ideas that I keep near and dear to my heart and soul I most definitely have put into question, being tested from various directions, answers unknown.
And still I see the beauty through the layers of thick fog, a walk with the dogs, them allowing me or expecting me to lead their pack, never complaining about distance, joyful in the conclusion with cold water and a handful of treats as each day we go a little further, worrying not so much about distance just me taking the time I need to clear my mind somewhat at dawns beginning and before the heat blazes.
Today I got my hands dirty and took some cactus of unknown names and made a ZEN garden that I can look at, enjoy and add to as I feel the need, the dogs laying next to me and watching intently as I explained to them what I was doing and why, knowing my reasoning, my secrets safe and sound with both Ashley Marie and Callie Sue.
The neighbor lost his battle with cancer yesterday, the one that wanted to speak with me to understand terminal illness and what I was experiencing only to get cold feet upon my ringing his doorbell and refusing to allow me to enter his abode, not just the day I was told to come but until he met his creator.
And tonight the pool in his back yard was lit up and through the fence I could see movement in the water and hear laughter, bellowing laughter and with that I felt a sense of comfort I had not seen in weeks as blinds were pulled and the absence of cars told the story of an illness that spiraled downward, he having admitted his lack of will to live more than five weeks prior.
The house behind us has a contract on it, something I have waited for and wondered if I would ever see or meet those that chose to buy something that I saw potential in, but could not figure out the vision the builder saw as currently the layout is livable, not worth the asking price that has been lowered four times since my arrival to Dallas. To my liking, the buyer is a Kappa Sigma, a brother from Texas Tech and instantly we had something in common, conversations to be had once he and his wife return from vacation to 'seal the deal'.
My medicines continue to be an issue of contention with insurance companies and the closing of Journey Hospice, prior authorizations being denied by someone who does not know me nor my medical team that has written in from two states demanding immediate attention so that I can continue my battle of survival, the uncertainty playing havoc with my id, ego and super ego, leaving me speechless with teary eyes and no self esteem.
And still I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that everything will work out as it is intended to, the master design continuing to work as it was laid out lifetimes ago or maybe more recent, possibly leaving me in darkness, still knowing energy does not die...it merely changes forms.
And before me I see the spirits dancing asking me to join them at all hours of any given day not forcing me but asking , leaving me the signs to know who most are, others remaining a mystery for a reason that soon I will learn of.
The coyotes continue to howl through the darkness and their presence is closer and yet when I walk I see not where they could be living as man has recently destroyed their property, their homes, to create a hospital, a neighborhood park with play equipment that has already begun rusting.
In seeing the equipment daily, I am reminded of my life, the rust standing out and becoming an annoyance that will stop me from a 'need to be done' chore so that I can write the city and tell them of my concern, knowing I am bothered as the rust has become a good representation of my life this week and hopefully, this week only as I watch issues slowly trickle into next week, before it even approaches in the blow winds from the North and the West, but as of yet, together.
And somewhere I will dig deep and find that something I am looking for to hold me head high, keep walking and travel light but with conviction and forethought, lots of forethought.
And still I see the beauty through the layers of thick fog, a walk with the dogs, them allowing me or expecting me to lead their pack, never complaining about distance, joyful in the conclusion with cold water and a handful of treats as each day we go a little further, worrying not so much about distance just me taking the time I need to clear my mind somewhat at dawns beginning and before the heat blazes.
Today I got my hands dirty and took some cactus of unknown names and made a ZEN garden that I can look at, enjoy and add to as I feel the need, the dogs laying next to me and watching intently as I explained to them what I was doing and why, knowing my reasoning, my secrets safe and sound with both Ashley Marie and Callie Sue.
The neighbor lost his battle with cancer yesterday, the one that wanted to speak with me to understand terminal illness and what I was experiencing only to get cold feet upon my ringing his doorbell and refusing to allow me to enter his abode, not just the day I was told to come but until he met his creator.
And tonight the pool in his back yard was lit up and through the fence I could see movement in the water and hear laughter, bellowing laughter and with that I felt a sense of comfort I had not seen in weeks as blinds were pulled and the absence of cars told the story of an illness that spiraled downward, he having admitted his lack of will to live more than five weeks prior.
The house behind us has a contract on it, something I have waited for and wondered if I would ever see or meet those that chose to buy something that I saw potential in, but could not figure out the vision the builder saw as currently the layout is livable, not worth the asking price that has been lowered four times since my arrival to Dallas. To my liking, the buyer is a Kappa Sigma, a brother from Texas Tech and instantly we had something in common, conversations to be had once he and his wife return from vacation to 'seal the deal'.
My medicines continue to be an issue of contention with insurance companies and the closing of Journey Hospice, prior authorizations being denied by someone who does not know me nor my medical team that has written in from two states demanding immediate attention so that I can continue my battle of survival, the uncertainty playing havoc with my id, ego and super ego, leaving me speechless with teary eyes and no self esteem.
And still I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that everything will work out as it is intended to, the master design continuing to work as it was laid out lifetimes ago or maybe more recent, possibly leaving me in darkness, still knowing energy does not die...it merely changes forms.
And before me I see the spirits dancing asking me to join them at all hours of any given day not forcing me but asking , leaving me the signs to know who most are, others remaining a mystery for a reason that soon I will learn of.
The coyotes continue to howl through the darkness and their presence is closer and yet when I walk I see not where they could be living as man has recently destroyed their property, their homes, to create a hospital, a neighborhood park with play equipment that has already begun rusting.
In seeing the equipment daily, I am reminded of my life, the rust standing out and becoming an annoyance that will stop me from a 'need to be done' chore so that I can write the city and tell them of my concern, knowing I am bothered as the rust has become a good representation of my life this week and hopefully, this week only as I watch issues slowly trickle into next week, before it even approaches in the blow winds from the North and the West, but as of yet, together.
And somewhere I will dig deep and find that something I am looking for to hold me head high, keep walking and travel light but with conviction and forethought, lots of forethought.
posted by the warrior at 12:07 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home