moms

It is most unfortunate, but true, that the relationship formed fifteen years ago between another I call mom and myself is one which is not understood by persons in her life and persons in mine as well, and as much as we profess our love for one another, enjoy the hours upon hours we spend conversing and sharing, we know that nothing will make another accept what is not theirs, it being ours and only ours to understand, appreciate and accept as truth and unconditional love.

It makes the others no less worthy or loved or remembered. It simply is something we, trying many times with no luck, no positive result, cannot get some to understand and their jealousy speaks loudly, yet never preventing us to stay connected spiritually, faithfully...just like a mother and son can do and being that I am lucky, blessed, to have her in my life, I try to love my mother more, include her in my everyday doings which often is met with failure, but me knowing how deeply she is loved as a biological mother should be, good and bad. Had I not this relationship from afar I still would love my mother, but it is Carole that has taught me how enjoyable it can be to love a mother, a love my mother and I do not have and have never shared as one, as ours.

Instead, all the positive that I feel is kept silent as when I have tried to speak I have been silenced by a word, set of words, an action or a denial that my feeling is truly my feeling. Thus, I continue down my life path knowing there can be more but not seeking it as the energy it consumes is now too great and too over powering for what I have left to give and give I always will whether it is doubted as an untruth or not seen at all.

bonded

While is was vacationing in FLA this past July, I was loosely scheduled to meet the significant other, Matthew Allen, of a girl I have known as an acquaintance since the later 90's. Prior to my visit MA was not returning phone calls to Joseph and I thought that possibly he was not responding as he was not interested in meeting me, knowing I live with a terminal illness.

The phone rang Saturday morning and Joseph was summonsed to MA and Sues' apt. and I sat at Josephs' wondering what type of trip this clearly was going to be, having already spent time in the apt. while Joseph finished working so he could take a few days off, vacation days.

MA and I met later that Saturday and my thoughts were far from the truth, they were not even on the same page or chapter as the truth. MA had just gone through a horrific tragedy with a family member and still, he made the choice to meet me, the most difficult circumstances weighing heavy in his mind, his heart shattered into tiny shards that could not be seen by the naked eye.

We talked for hours and have kept communicating via phone and e-mail since my return back to Texas, most days more than once, rarely fewer than thrice times a day. AS Joseph and I toured the city and did what we did, we kept in touch with MA and Sues, offering anything we might be able to provide to assist MA, Joseph doing most of the offering as he has known MA for several years where as I had only heard about him, third party.

I learned during my final week of vacation that MA had been burning me some cds, not asked for nor expected, not talked about other than mentioning I had heard some of his artizm in cds he had previously burned for Joseph and was taking them home to burn and place on my i-pod.

When I walk the dogs, ride my bike, go to a store or sometimes lounge around my parents home, I am always listening to my i-pod, concentrating on the eight MA made, five especially for me, presented to me the night prior to my return. Today I e-mailed MA and let him know that finally, I was able to tell him the title and the reason why one cd, 'the art of communication', had struck a different chord than the other seven, this particular cd showing me his artistic vision, his ability to allow a very complex story be told through music. The music he chose and shared with me. While I wrote this particular e-mail, MA had called and left me a message and upon hearing the message I was dumb-founded. MA had made me another set of cds, the number four and he stamped and mailed them today. The only day that I praised, in black and white, his artistic visions.

Spiritually it was not about the cds. It was about what was taking place 1,500 miles apart at exactly the same time. a bond formed in July and confirmed, without want nor need, in a special way that we could relate to, today.

a thought or two on the 31st

Halloween...It used to be a favorite holiday of mine but as friends moved away and I eventually moved too, I live with the memories and we did have some terror filled nights. All in good fun though and always, we were able to make a creative costume at the last second and yes, plenty of beer and even candy to give out in a bar or street party...

Our neighborhood somehow got the city to create a new park and I have been watching the process from the onset, up until the grand opening two weekends ago. It was quite interesting to watch the number of trees bull dozed for new ones to be planted, a sophisticated sprinkler system installed, a walking path, a small water park and a fountain running on the small side of the lake. All in all, well done I say although I have been more than disheartened to see people not living in the neighborhood or anywhere near Rockwall leaving their tainted mark upon that which is beauty in most eyes. Mine at least but others are into destruction and destroy they have, already traipsing through the field of wildflowers, bike tracks where sod once was and even someone having the nerve to pull up planted plants and take them home I imagine.

And sadly, the lack of interest in the neighbor has allowed those from the outside to play a game of destruction in front of my eyes and those that worked so hard to pull of a great place to ponder, walk and chill with a dog. All three of which I have done and continue to look forward to doing.

My plans for next month remain in the air, a ticket booked, just trying to coordinate time with the ole crew in FLA, possibly meeting elsewhere which would be all the better for a change of scenery and even with the park, I am desperate need of a change of scenery.

So tonight, no plans other than keeping Ashley Marie calm as the little trick or treaters will be running the neighborhood in full force, reminding me of when it was me who did it and not to long ago, either.