a child game

Today I played a game of hide and seek without even knowing the game was being played until right about now. A relative came to visit from San Antonio and I watched as my mere presence in the house was completely overlooked until I made my presence known by asking a question or taking care of the dog(s).

I found it interesting and almost sad at the degree to which conversations were had, life questions were answered as long as I remained on the outside, literally and figuratively. The day ended with my cousin being given a glass of ice water by my mother, something I have asked for and never received. I watched my father express his independence, performing tasks that he almost always expects someone to perform for him, that someone too often implied and spoken as me.

I remained 'zen' by staying in my self made world that consisted of my thoughts, a project or two and cooking planned for tomorrow, but started tonight as I know that the days of cooking for four to five hours in the morning came to a halt months ago as the energy level is missing, the pain too intense and the final project often criticized and harshly judged without me offering or showing it to anyone...

My body is tapped, my mind tired as I still have medication to take to avoid breakthrough pain that will force me to pace the floors shortly after 3am as the pain often does, sleep becoming a luxury, the mental challenge to lay still sometimes putting me on the verge of my insanity, certainly not the medical definition for the word, in fact mostly the complete opposite.

Amen

And when the Reverend/Mother was asked to give the blessing at the dinner table this evening, I knew not what to expect as my mind began to race, thinking of all the possibilities that were before her.

As she squeezed my hand and gave the blessing a calmness over took my person and my spirit lifted for five moments or possibly longer, her words comforting, her diction spoken with clarity and confidence and I watched from above until my soul re-entered my body and I smiled internally, squeezing her hand back, saying thank you to a most appropriate Amen.

a part

Today I had an appointment with a Pastor (female) from the reform Catholic church not to alter my religious preference, but to learn more about the reform movement and how they differ from a traditional Roman Catholic, their views on the Pope, heaven and hell, Judaism, etc.

The meeting was set up as a informal meeting and I watched as the clock ticked closer toward our meeting time as the sky darkened, thunder crackled, lightening began to strike and for a moment I thought, what a great set up to discuss the many curiosities I have...

The rain came down in small drops as the sky turned black and soon I received a call postponing our meeting until Friday. I continued to watch as the sun re-surfaced, dark clouds lifted and the wind stopped moving the trees. The heat returned as did the silence, except for a row of sparrows that perched the length of my parents' rooftop and as I went out to find their location, they took off and flew elsewhere in unison. The flap of their wings creating one sound from what must have been thirty or more birds, one leading the flock, flying ever so slightly faster than the rest.

And I thought, was this purely a coincidence or was it a symbol from my creator, only time providing me with an answer, but to think otherwise if not even for a moment would have been foolish and certainly not a part of who I am, small or large, knowing the meeting was postponed due to a part to the Reverend's vehicle that broke down after a long day's journey.

lunar eclipse

A golf course would have been nice, maybe the thirteenth tee or the eighteenth, but the sprinklers would have gone off so I improvised and made my own type of course, just a quiet place to lay this morning and watch the lunar eclipse. I lay there looking upward until I could see no farther and witnessed the magnificence of our solar system as the moon disappeared from top to bottom, coyotes howling in the distance, close enough to agitate Ashley Marie, but not within an eye's glance.

I blew smoke rings upward trying to circle the moon and several times I did as the process of inhaling and exhaling circles became a form of entertainment for me until all went dark...

I got tired and crawled into bed, sleeping for an hour or so before I started my hospice filled day. Tonight I will drawl and then do nothing while sipping a tall glass of Arizona Tea with ginseng and honey, a drink that is slowly becoming an addiction. There is just enough sweet to offset the taste of medicines and a coolness that quenches my dry palette, night or day but nothing still, is better than my craving for water, colder water than I can taste and ice cubes, not the same.

saturday 26. 08

I spent countless hours staring tonight at the light show provided by the moon and the clouds dancing around and about forming pictures, symbols and watched as Mars glistened with intensity.

Earlier I had watched the trees dancing in the wind from classical to free form, each branch, each leaf performing in unison with another. And in the early morning I reveled in the rising sun as the warmth was felt on my person, the brightness and intensity quickly erasing the morning dew as I walked a bit with the dogs through a field of sorts of weeds, fire ant mounds hiding right below my right foot, leaving their mark as my foot swelled and blisters formed, sweat dripping from my forehead leaving me craving water more than usual.

And I wondered how I could entertain such beauty without giving something back and I knew, once again, it was time to plant seedlings around the neighborhood, which I did and offer tobacco to the earth, which I did chanting in a tongue foreign even to me but taught by the Shaman I met while in Arizona some time ago.

The music through my i-pod only added to the enjoyment, the awe I witnessed on this, the Sabbath, which I always recognize in silence as I said a prayer upon waking, wiping the sleep from my eyes, smiling knowing I had to have slept long enough for gunk to for in my eyes and this too made me happy.

Now as I write it is Sunday and I wonder what is before me as yesterday is gone, but the memories etched in my mind's eye with some permanence, kept silent not out of selfishness but fear that others surrounding me night not understand or see the value in what I saw. This too, being alright and acceptable for me to comprehend. I will go and smoke and think little, enjoying more of what I left to share in my thoughts as an entry but more importantly, a memory of sorts so that when seedlings grow someone will know that I planted and they too will enjoy the beauty instead of looking about and thinking mundane thoughts or scenarios that might take them to far away lands, forgetting the beauty is before them and always has been. One simply has to look and remember that doing nothing but watching is doing something, sometimes more valuable than any plan one might make out of want or their personal perception of boredom.