the blame game in the color green
I never thought my entire rationale for blogging, to share my thoughts with myself and those that care to read, add or silently learn of my journey, would temporarily keep me from writing but it did.
My thoughts many and overwhelming, led me to pleading with self for some time to re-train my way of thinking and although I am not there yet, up to the standard I set for self at a time when I should be setting no standards but simply being, , all things considered, I am pleased that my lack of the pursuit of writing what I have been thinking has helped me in a retreat of sorts, trying and sometimes getting the much needed rest my body requires and without it, refuses to function in any state of normalcy what so ever. The end result a restless mind full of questions and dilemmas I already have settling answers to.
But considering it is so very difficult for me to understand what is normal under the circumstances, the hand I have been dealt, anytime I feel progress as the stand out word for the day, I am more than joyful and feel a deep sense of accomplishment. And although time has gone by, precious time, I have been aware of it, but knew that continuing to strive at the pace I no longer could maintain or even come close to thinking I could maintain was causing my thought process to be destructive as the 'grass IS always greener' and when your thoughts are based upon past events, people and places and they are present as if they were a yesterday, the hollow feeling left in my gut has been less than desirable, less than helpful mind, body, spirit and has taken a serious toll on my physical well being.
To look is to know
and anyone who looks knows
I am battling at an alarming rate and that as I physically dwindle away, I strive to keep my mind crisp and needed this extra time to re-adjust what I find to be important as well as telling myself over and over and over again that it all is alright and will be alright as the master plan I am apart and a part of will provide for me, those I worry about and those who worry about me.
Never will I think less but its how I think that has not changed, it needed rest and rest has been given to the point I feel my fingers can write again, my subconscious taking over when its too tough for me to speak the truth I witness, I feel and that which continues to scare me as I too am human no matter how spiritual I wish to proclaim to be. It is not nor ever was perfection that I sought, but an energy level that I knew was gone, fought to maintain only to worsen what I have left, no fault or blame given...
My thoughts many and overwhelming, led me to pleading with self for some time to re-train my way of thinking and although I am not there yet, up to the standard I set for self at a time when I should be setting no standards but simply being, , all things considered, I am pleased that my lack of the pursuit of writing what I have been thinking has helped me in a retreat of sorts, trying and sometimes getting the much needed rest my body requires and without it, refuses to function in any state of normalcy what so ever. The end result a restless mind full of questions and dilemmas I already have settling answers to.
But considering it is so very difficult for me to understand what is normal under the circumstances, the hand I have been dealt, anytime I feel progress as the stand out word for the day, I am more than joyful and feel a deep sense of accomplishment. And although time has gone by, precious time, I have been aware of it, but knew that continuing to strive at the pace I no longer could maintain or even come close to thinking I could maintain was causing my thought process to be destructive as the 'grass IS always greener' and when your thoughts are based upon past events, people and places and they are present as if they were a yesterday, the hollow feeling left in my gut has been less than desirable, less than helpful mind, body, spirit and has taken a serious toll on my physical well being.
To look is to know
and anyone who looks knows
I am battling at an alarming rate and that as I physically dwindle away, I strive to keep my mind crisp and needed this extra time to re-adjust what I find to be important as well as telling myself over and over and over again that it all is alright and will be alright as the master plan I am apart and a part of will provide for me, those I worry about and those who worry about me.
Never will I think less but its how I think that has not changed, it needed rest and rest has been given to the point I feel my fingers can write again, my subconscious taking over when its too tough for me to speak the truth I witness, I feel and that which continues to scare me as I too am human no matter how spiritual I wish to proclaim to be. It is not nor ever was perfection that I sought, but an energy level that I knew was gone, fought to maintain only to worsen what I have left, no fault or blame given...
posted by the warrior at 10:56 PM
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