screaming in silence

It's back, the anxiety and this this time, with a vengeance. Not that I have not struggled with anxiety and the realities facing me along my journey, but in broaching the issue with the Dr. his feelings are that it is an intense chemical change that continues as my body tries to ward off the impossible and make sacrifices to 'keep walking', pulling from on direction so that I can go the other and then back again.

It is not a new feeling just one that is full of ridiculous and redundant thought, much fear that I have worked through and resolved, leaving me more of a prisoner than I already believed myself to be, wondering ifs and whens and the physical pains that have intensified so dramatically over the course of little time, my body trying desperately to adapt to the changes approaching, as well as my inability to do so much that actually was so little just a few months ago with no resolve in sight.

And when I feel or believe I feel half way 'normal', not even knowing what the definition is anymore, I overdo it, not intentionally but out of the what if I cannot tomorrow or later and thus my exhaustion level is greater which only compounds the beginning of my thoughts, a cycle that spins round and round and round some more.

I am tired when I make plans, the very thought causing the exhaustion and yet I am excited just the same. My sleep pattern has crumbled, my body skeletal and as the temperatures warm up my internal or body core temperature still freezes as there is no body fat to speak of to protect me from the elements, the weather changes, the blow wind, etc.

Its a vicious cycle, one that forces me to internally scream in silence, but one I will embrace as to do otherwise would be to stop hoping, to have no more will and a complete lack of resolve. I try to stay occupied and focused but that focus is sporadic and all over the place, a canvas with a series of colors that I know not where it might take me or when it might be complete and this completion,
final.

I am beginning to wonder if sleep is possibly overrated, very overrated, as I cannot seem to get a full or decent night's worth of slumber, even with my eyes droopy, my head sagging and my mind a bit or more than delirious...

Daytime naps seem to bring about dreams that are somewhat frightful or a deeper sleep but a sleep that makes me arise with chills, often sweats and very little time having passed and trying to calm myself and fall back into sleep is a virtual 'no go' as my mind begins to take over and the stress of everyday living or my everyday thoughts prevent me from being able to shut down, for awhile or longer and get the rest that is said to be needed to function and function well.

Last night I fell out of bed, unintentionally and the hard thump on the floor, falling flat has made it all the more difficult as I now am faced with nursing bruising upon my back and buttocks that is preventing me from getting a sound sleep. The fact that the wind was knocked from my person was bothersome as well as I realized in time of need or crisis I am, for the most part, on my own, preferring to do more than I am supposed to, as a show or sign of the hope and the will I have to continue and this way I allow others that may be around to concentrate on their own agendas instead of focusing so much on mine...

Having spent so long as an independent, doing and living my own way has taken its toll as my body moves forward, slower, but forward and the stresses are evident upon the face of more than one and thus although I was warned again on Friday about 'undertaking too much' instead of resting more, I am cutting into the days I have left, but at this point and with the rules and regulations put so strictly into place more recently than not, it is just as well that I might be or am loosing days as the thought of continuing with so little freedom under a set of rules, grateful as I may be for a roof over my person and a place to lay my often weary head, is playing havoc on my psyche and to determine which scenario might be worse is energy I choose not to waste as I believe the answer would surprise even myself once my thoughts were fully studied in a neutral environment...

Of all desires and wants and thoughts, even wishes, Texas was NEVER on the list and I cannot imagine that list having changed all that much as my favorite places, spots, still pull me in their direction no matter how I feel, trying to set aside anything that might influence such thought as the day to day grind, how I feel (mind, body and spirit), or what appears to be boredom that I might be experiencing for lack of a better word, at this early or late hour depending upon how one looks at the clock ticking and tocking before me.

Time will tell as I arise again...

the belly of a whale

Since I was invited to come and live in Texas, not where I am living, which to this day I clearly do not and will not understand as to why the arrangement was such when I am reminded how I have 'ruined a life', that being one that in my opinion, has been less than 'stellar or eventful' ever since I can remember and sometimes, not always, my memory serves me correct and goes back quite far...Never remembering the social calendar filled with going out or doing much of anything unless you count criticizing a supermodel, those upon the red carpet, singers that supposedly are Idols, dancers that were chosen over YOU...and/or to a movie or concert, you have played the role of no show most of your adult life to your own tune and own liking.

With all the strife that obviously sits in the belly of a whale I wonder, how much can the belly of a whale belly ache before is just isn't worth the words being spoken, especially when you are talking usually to a wall, as all around have learned the best way to avoid projection is to disallow it completely, listen, say nothing in return and eventually the hint will be gotten that you are picking an unnecessary, unwanted fight, turning the pool of energy surrounding the room black with the soot left behind quite difficult to remove from the layer upon layer of dust over anything and everything not protected.

To sit and listen to one who has spent ample amounts of time talking about the power of manipulation, how it is thrived upon, I must laugh and shake my head as the biggest manipulator of them all turned out to be the one belly aching about the concept in the first place.

So call a spade a spade, ease up a little on the falsities and the untruths so eloquently told for personal gain as if afraid that to be less than the center of attention destroys you and TRY to enjoy the life you have.

After all, no one else has been able to mangle and jumble words and thoughts and ideas and people the way you have only to turn around and lie for your personal gains, and let's remember, YOU created your own destiny at the expense of so many willing to help time and time again and never even a thank you came out of the mouth as you were too busy belly aching, the 'woe is me syndrome' that is less than admirable from a person that supposedly had it all together, but a self esteem smaller than that of a mocking bird, and I say mocking bird as they mock, but are incapable of flying on their own, needing a partner in crime and thus you have one or two depending upon your issue and the time of day it might be you decide to throw your daggers...

No one wishes failure so stop assuming and telling people different. Try and walk across the bridge you had the ability to walk, hold on to and notice it has crumbled and your weight not with standing, the reasons were a plenty and when you become the perfection you possess to be, give me and the others a ring or better yet, maybe I might call you... if its not way too late, we will talk and until then, decipher the truth, not as you see it but as it truly is and life might just take you where you want to go but since the pattern has been that of a hopper for year after year, one can only imagine as you cling to the womb and tell tall tales similar to that of the whale to spare yourself the truth staring you in in the eye from near and far.

SHAMEFUL!