living in a brain fog

This week, especially the later part, has brought with it new complications that have prompted fear, confusion and a definite awareness of deep concern. Like the days of Fall where the dew sets in and fog covers the yard, the temperature brisk enough for you to think the time is right for a nap, and thus you do, sometimes for fifteen minutes and other times for several hours, my mind is doing the same the now.

However, it is not a pre-planned thought process, it is not Fall and although the effect has been rather harmless to this point, I know from past discussions with medical personal that this is a warning sign of the brain overloaded with toxins from a liver that has all but stopped working.

And although often I am able to fight the drowsiness, the dropping of the same cigarette over and over, Ashley Marie so often nudging me under the chin with her muzzle to make sure I am fully awake, I find myself dosing, without warning, usually sitting up and awakening as I would on a pre-planned Fall nap, sometimes fifteen minutes later, other times much longer.

It takes awhile for me to realize what has happened and get settled again within my person, often re-entering the house and having one ask if I had a god nap and the other laughing, commenting continuing with, 'uh hmm, we saw you.' The sadness is that through speaking with doctors as well, those asking such questions should know the seriousness of what they are witnessing, having had it explained numerous times for it only to go in one ear and out the other.

Conversations sometimes complicate the situation, conversations with persons who do not exist in the here and now at the point the mental fog is approaching or attacking at full force. And more so than not, I feel embarrassed upon awakening or stopping the chatter, knowing that my brain has been affected dramatically with the chemicals my liver is unable to dispose of.

Still, I continue to fight forward knowing that it is not the lack of enulose that causes such incidents (enulose a thick syrup designed to prevent hepatic encephalopathy) a set amount prescribed daily (5 to 6 times) and even increased when I am awake feeling as if I cannot shake the brain fog. The enulose, though, has stopped removing the toxins, allowing them to seep into the brain, making my days as well as nights more about the here and now as I am forced to concentrate fully on what is happening in the moment as to day dream could be to not awaken for several hours in the hot sun, on a toilet seat in the middle of the night or sitting in a shower, water still running as I remain half rinsed, wondering what has just happened to my person...

So far I have been able to mask the incidents semi well, but that too is sliding out of my control as I find myself more exhausted for no known reason and the 'brain fog' visiting more often for longer periods of time, the time in between lost, forever.... as those around me that see it, do nothing but laugh.

leave your manners at the front door

I have always known the importance of manners from the time I was small to the present and all times in between. I will not declare myself holy than though and claim that I am Mr. Manners, often double dipping at a function if no one is watching, sometimes tgetting caught, sometimes forgetting as I was thinking about something else for one reason or another. I took classes on manners as I had instructors that demanded them and spent a good amount of time in a fraternity house that gave members fines, hefty fines, for improper manners, no excuses, cash only.

I know that manners are important to people. You do not have to expect a thank you but to hear one sure is a warm feeling verses hearing nothing or something negative instead. And somewhere along the line, as one matures, I believe that one masters manners, those important, those not so important.

I am, however; quite surprised to see such a lack of manners in the home for which I reside. I might be asked to come to the table and be served something that I find repulsive, but still I believe it proper to say thank you at minimum and help with the clean-up a given. I watch around me and see that the approach I speak of, manners in general are disregarded here. In place, its negative thoughts, negative comments that have no place being said or having to be heard for what ever the reason may be, usually none... just to be crass, snide, offensive and down right rude.

I have learned that after hearing such negativity the energy it takes re-center and re-balance my own is tremendous. It snot a brush off the shoulder type of situation as if were something to be treated so simple, the comment(s) would have never been said in my direction to begin with.

And I think of how truly miserable, unhappy and repulsive one is to treat another with such great disrespect, complete and utter disregard, as if to prove worth and personally worth is something I do not give a damn about.

I have heard the phrase, 'if I had a dime...', well if I had a dime for every negative speech I have been given, every time I have been told 'this is mine', the declaration of ownership, I certainly would not be living here nor anywhere close. And it saddens me to know that this is what I remember from childhood too, and as I walk the final steps on my journey, however more there may be, this is what I will remember and possibly take with me into the afterlife , wondering why...

as in my opinion, the amount of energy it takes to be negative and have manners that portray negativity far outweigh any it takes to think and be positive to another, around another and for the sake of another.