a foreign exchange student of sorts, unwelcomed
Today has been more difficult than most and as of late or actually for some time, no day is easy as the internal stress between myself and my parents, who insist on treating me like a child, does not strengthen, only deteriorates as they realize they are unable to treat me as an adult child and I am unable to get them to understand that cannot function as their thirteen year old. And the megativelt that was displayed as early as 6:42 am was pathetic and appalling at best, me being questinoed over why I might want New England Clam Chowder at the store for a grand total of 2.89 minus the 10percent my mother receives for being a senior citizen.
Obviously it was about something much deeper that never was shared and I stayed at a distance all day, watching the pitiful look of how I am wasting one's time, interfering in a life that consists of very little, negativity toward others an on going occurrence that seems to be worsening and their trip to Ohio this Tuesday cannot come soon enough, their belief that their pleasure is more important than making sure that I am in a state of comfort, have food items to prepare and even the strength or want to run their home while they are away.
And I am surprised as every action is watched, being told time and time again how to do tasks that I have been capable and able to do since my early teenage years, still left to be questions, my inability always challenged in their way of thinking. So I remain ZEN and find that even that is difficult as the power of negativity is so overwhelming, I can only continue to walk away and ignore wait is being said under, over and loudly through breath. I find it worse than pathetic, shameful at best and wonder some days, if they will wonder, seriously wonder what they will have missed with me as a 'guest' in their home, a guest that has more required of him now than when I was that pre-teen long ago, only now I am under orders NOT to do it, my stay being challenged, the anger strengthening, making me dread the tomorrow I so yearn to be a part of only in a setting that is positive, is supportive and most importantly, is full of love, not self proclaimed misery lingering on the past or nothing of relevance at all, only a made up story that sounds good when I finally decide to confront the situation I write about.
Obviously it was about something much deeper that never was shared and I stayed at a distance all day, watching the pitiful look of how I am wasting one's time, interfering in a life that consists of very little, negativity toward others an on going occurrence that seems to be worsening and their trip to Ohio this Tuesday cannot come soon enough, their belief that their pleasure is more important than making sure that I am in a state of comfort, have food items to prepare and even the strength or want to run their home while they are away.
And I am surprised as every action is watched, being told time and time again how to do tasks that I have been capable and able to do since my early teenage years, still left to be questions, my inability always challenged in their way of thinking. So I remain ZEN and find that even that is difficult as the power of negativity is so overwhelming, I can only continue to walk away and ignore wait is being said under, over and loudly through breath. I find it worse than pathetic, shameful at best and wonder some days, if they will wonder, seriously wonder what they will have missed with me as a 'guest' in their home, a guest that has more required of him now than when I was that pre-teen long ago, only now I am under orders NOT to do it, my stay being challenged, the anger strengthening, making me dread the tomorrow I so yearn to be a part of only in a setting that is positive, is supportive and most importantly, is full of love, not self proclaimed misery lingering on the past or nothing of relevance at all, only a made up story that sounds good when I finally decide to confront the situation I write about.
posted by the warrior at 10:51 PM
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