now

It took not long after I finished my Z pack to speak with the doctor's office, let them know that I was still coughing and blowing the color of green peas, for the Dr. to place me on another antibiotic for fourteen days, twice a day, an antibiotic that, with all the medicine I currently am on, has more warnings on the bottle than any other, that has a PDR quite lengthy which I certainly will not read out of the mere fear it might create within me to keep me from completing or even taking the antibiotic at all.

I know, to the dismay of some and the delight of others, the infection is deep, and has worsened in a very short amount of time, taking with it my energy, appetite, will to motivate and a mind full of hope and the will of the warrior. Instead I am trying to rest, sometimes doing better than other times, not so well as I write at this late hour.

Ad when I rest I think and realize more and more everyday that I am a stranger in my own environment and the person that is looked at, if looked at at all, is looked at as a disease, the me having already disappeared. My intentions questioned, my motives questioned, my inner being questioned possibly out of boredom, lack of something better to do or the realization that I have come to,
that my stay is no longer welcome as I am able to do less and less, never trusted, never looked at as who I am but who I am thought to be for the benefit of another, so parallel to when I was a child so many years ago...

KJ,

I got your post and posted it late this evening and am not sure what the 'eric?' means and as I sat outside and thought about it, all I could do was think about thoughts in general and realize that thoughts that I have, thoughts that I write and thoughts that people are reading are not always to be understood as if I understood all, if I had the answers to all, I certainly would not have the need nor feel the internal desire to blog and continue to share what is within me, without me and around me.

Over time, much of what I have written about is random. It takes you somewhere but it is often as abstract as my thinking, my visual art as well. This is the way in which I think and possibly one or many of the reasons I do not understand the actions of others as their actions come from their thoughts. And the lack of understanding when I think of them in my way of thinking, creates an internal conflict which often is too great, too mystifying for me to put into words that which you might be searching for,
an answer,
that which I may be searching for,
an answer,
for I have no answer,
just a truth and how I was affected by that truth...