brain fog

The fog dances around me. It is all about me and I scratch and I claw and I shake, first my head, only for the fog to persist, my being unable to fight my body and so it worsens and has worsened over time.

I never felt it. I read about it. I heard about it from the doctors and the nurses and somehow, I avoided it. Scans and tests showed it was there, always dancing, moving from organ through organ until it sat, comfortably on my brain. I still avoided it or it teased me. I never felt it.

Now, it dances, slowly, but it dances for awhile longer than several hours and it leaves and I lay exhausted knowing that someday the fog will dance faster and it will not leave, my soul instead will.

the decline

Its the start of the breakdown, highly anticipated and unwelcomed. What others have talked with me about (my decline) I am experiencing and the experience is not 'fun', metaphorically or otherwise. I feel different and not just today, but for several days and even weeks before that. It is a malaise that followed me home from Florida and took root as I watched, unable to direct it elsewhere. It is the decline of my body and looking in the mirror makes me drop a tear and look elsewhere.

I remain humble, death showing its color on my brow and elsewhere. I am weak and sometimes frail, bruises appearing in clusters in a rich color of blue-black.

The taste of vomit still lingers in the far reaches of my throat and no brushing or flossing or gargling with Listerine wants to take the after taste away. The fact that I continue to vomit, without little warning, only complicates how gross I truly feel. Add the bone chilling cold and the lack of heat and my situation only worsens. Turning up the heat is not an option. It is not my home.

My body's movement is slow and my mind has a fog that, for the time being, cannot be shaken. It too lingers and the combination makes for a long, unproductive day. I try to sleep to ward off what ever is ailing me and this too has failed as I flip from side to side seeking some position that comforts me.

I can feel myself whole somewhere down deep and desperately search for a way to come to the surface and take control of what I thought was mine, my own self.

So I wait and hope that the decline will subside and I will be permitted to continue a little bit...