saturday 19.08

It took me not long to realize just how important it is to stay focused on some sort of well being. Without a sense of focus clear and possibly even out of reach, the mental clutter that forms like minerals that crystallize in water can be quite damaging to the psyche and the powerful energy that is exuded from the being and back often turns negative and this negativity, like a vortex starts to spin and the cycle does not stop, only strengthens as long as you allow it to.

Unfortunately by the time you disallow such negativity, the thought patterns have become so random but regular the effort it takes to alter such an existence can be the end and thus rather than clinging to hope, one becomes the spinning and gives up all hope, falls into the vortex and slowly falls victim to its force, its negativity, its power to command the body and the mind as the soul waits to be pointed in the direction of home.

Negative reinforcement is such an everyday part of living that sometimes, but not always, it IS more difficult to stay focused on wellness than it is to dwell on scenarios the mind has created that are self defeating, leaving the body to deteriorate further and the soul the ability to take premature flight...

wednesday 16.08

Rest for two days or maybe less has done me a bit of good. I caught up on some reading, celebrated a birthday and spent the remainder of time doing what I set out to do and that was introducing several new medications to my system while tossing others down the toilet as biohazzard.

As of this afternoon, my results had not paid off, the nausea constant but this too could be blamed on the relentless heat of the outdoors. I still have hope, even so that I plan for my trip to Florida in early September, to do more of the same, only with people I know from living there. College football always has brought out a feeling of freshness and new and this year I challenge myself to make it no different.

I am consciously aware of having gone inward and for a short time I am fine with this decision knowing this too can be perceived as unhealthy, so I talk through my thoughts and my sometimes still fears with professionals. Sometimes I feel less connected but my long term objectives outweigh any short term opinions and rumblings I hear in the background. I am determined to battle forward and a regroup to assess what is before me in needed to move onward.

sunday 13.08

I have spent a good portion of time this weekend in a self formed seclusion, to the confusion of those in my immediate surroundings grumbling about what to or not to say to me as I passed them by time and again, in no order and for the reason of simple retrieval or the craving of nicotine.

My mind full of thoughts needed to be slowed down and I the thinker needed to process as many thoughts as possible so that I could release them, feeling less mental fatigue and clutter. So some thoughts remained longer than others and these seemed endless in my ultimate desire to squash them as something less than reality. And although the process was painful, the end result has left me more focused on the path of life I walk. The colors that I see are more vibrant and the attention to detail, second nature upon first, second and even third glance.

Tonight I feel successful and my head aches not only in the front but also the left side and the right side and I have decided, for now, my processing is complete as rest is wanted and hopefully will be achieved without the constant awakening every two or three hours, sometimes out of a deep slumber, a fore shadow or just the primal urge to use the bathroom.

I prepare for another day no further and await its arrival but first, I declare value in s-l-e-e-p with clean sheets and a pillow fluffed and of course a dog lying on the floor watching and listening to my every motion.