restless

I will remain restless until I travel again. The buzz is the approaching holidays and I dream of other places and other people whether awake or sleeping, wanting and almost needing to travel for an extended period, challenging myself to explore that which before has not interested me, that which I want to say I have done in order to feel complete and not lay somewhat helpless in a hospital bed no longer able to challenge myself or even speak of the thought for at that point I will be traveling, but the journey will have more permanence and all symbolism thrown aside, it will be a journey completed.

The lights of Christmas and a New Year bring thoughts of old places revisited and new places to be discovered, alone or by myself, knowing alone is a state of mind and something I have learned to respect as I no longer search for who I am and what I am but more, how will it all be completed and when.

tuesday 19.12

The shapes and the quick moving shadows that appear and disappear in my peripheral vision used to scare or better put, annoy me. I now embrace their presence as something I had not noticed or something that did not appear until recent for never before did I equate shape and color and lack of sound with the approaching afterlife.

Rarely are the sights the same and the colors seem to blend in movement, they change as I move, sometimes to the speed of my footsteps and others to the speed of something beyond my senses and beyond my reach as I stretch out an arm only to feel nothing, the shapes and shadows disappearing or moving to be seen again later in a different setting, somehow telling me a story of that I still am unfamilar with or more accurately, unclear of.