a lesson

The neighbors with the grand daughter that screams called several weeks ago, out of the blue, to tell my parents they were moving to Houston. They placed their home on the market and have been traveling back and forth awaiting a sale.

Yesterday, surveyors were outside the residence and those that reside(d) there, were packing final boxes in the garage. Like a daily ritual, I have waved to them when they leave, eating all meals out. Yesterday they left permanently for Houston and did not wave, the grand daughter did not scream, said nothing to her neighborhood friends...

There was no phone call or hint of good bye and somewhere in all the clutter, the key to their home remains here as it has for seven years.

It was a lesson in human behavior, theirs and possibly mine too.

Realizing that some things just do not change and to waste energy believing or hoping these things might change as it would make life more peaceful for all those involved, I find much frustration in the lack of change that has taken place in my place of residence.

I have seen positives talked about and sincerity expressed around those professionals now working with the family, but as soon as hugs are given, good byes said and the doors to the 'compound' locked, promises made disappear like dirt from a soiled shirt. Short of using a tape recorder to prove a mute point, the situation remains the same and continues to worsen as my health spirals down word.

I understand that some, if not many people are unable to experience unconditional love due to their lack of the ability to love themselves, I find myself taking more time outs so that I can conserve energy, avoiding the negativity that hovers in the air like thick smoke bellowing from a forest fire, no containment.

I move forward and become even more introverted, a state for which I am unaccustomed to, allowing myself the ability to grieve, shed tears and realize that my health hinging upon my environment, must change dramatically and soon IF there is a chance for me to continue much further on my journey of life. The curve balls are many and I can only swing a bat so many times before I will strike out, knowing that those who should know me the best, know me the least and I find it shameful that I have had to position people about so that questions pertaining to who and what I am can be answered if this be the choice one makes.

I refuse to waste energy on the negative as every moment time is taken from my life and to focus on anything short of positive could and will have destructive consequences for all involved. I press forward, deep bruises showing my physical pain, the emotionally pain confined within, trapped as if I am a prison in my own body, my environment, my existence. And yet I am able to reach deep, deeper than any well I have seen or heard about and find that hope which helps me cling to life...