a child game

Today I played a game of hide and seek without even knowing the game was being played until right about now. A relative came to visit from San Antonio and I watched as my mere presence in the house was completely overlooked until I made my presence known by asking a question or taking care of the dog(s).

I found it interesting and almost sad at the degree to which conversations were had, life questions were answered as long as I remained on the outside, literally and figuratively. The day ended with my cousin being given a glass of ice water by my mother, something I have asked for and never received. I watched my father express his independence, performing tasks that he almost always expects someone to perform for him, that someone too often implied and spoken as me.

I remained 'zen' by staying in my self made world that consisted of my thoughts, a project or two and cooking planned for tomorrow, but started tonight as I know that the days of cooking for four to five hours in the morning came to a halt months ago as the energy level is missing, the pain too intense and the final project often criticized and harshly judged without me offering or showing it to anyone...

My body is tapped, my mind tired as I still have medication to take to avoid breakthrough pain that will force me to pace the floors shortly after 3am as the pain often does, sleep becoming a luxury, the mental challenge to lay still sometimes putting me on the verge of my insanity, certainly not the medical definition for the word, in fact mostly the complete opposite.