short circuits

No matter how strong the dosage and how strict my regiment is for medication, nothing as of yet, has shut my mind down from wondering and wandering aimlessly through the fears associated with death and dying.

No matter how strong my belief system, my convictions, my hope and my will, my mind still thinks, and the thinking questions everything that I believe IS and that which I believe IS NOT. And no matter how prepared I maybe with a series of legal documents stating my final wishes, and the faith I have in my brother to carry out my wishes, I still will not know those wishes are carried out.

It is blind trust and a bond that is, at times, fragile, as he too has human emotions. Losing someone, anyone is difficult, but planning to lose yourself is so unexpected and so taxing on the body, the mind, and all those that surround me or choose not to, sometimes I wonder how and where I find the ability to fight onward, a little further, another day or even for another breath.

And although I live much more carefree knowing my fate, I remain logical and that logic continues to play tricks on all I have sorted through again and over again...