the nuisance factor
Coming on service (hospice) again has provided me with another mental challenge, greater than I expected, deeper rooted than I ever dreamt, adding another challenge to my already thought of, 'full plate' , as my mind constantly works overtime knowing that as hard as I have relied on hope and will to live, I can only prevail for so long before my organs are going to give way, my body fail me, my mind go into overdrive until fully sedated as I prepare to take flight and meet my creator.
All the beliefs and scenarios I had played in my head and talked out load are being tested again. revisited, as signing the papers as a hospice patient has a hospice patient has only left me with the feeling that I have failed myself, unable to prevail and continue without the help of end of life care, something I once thought I was ready for but now know I never was, feeling now what I never felt before, physically and otherwise, my body weaker, thinner, more gaunt and my mind left more cloudy not by medications but by a disease process I embraced some time ago, but a process that is here to wreak havoc on me, that which I know and that which I do not.
I cannot call myself a failure for outliving what was expected, but no that others have, as they see this process as a long drawn out scenario that is nothing more than an inconvenience, an inconvenience they have no problem sharing with me, making innuendos about me that hurt on a surface level but beyond the surface, near my heart and soul.
And to know that I will take such feelings into the afterworld more than frightens me, angers me and makes me wish I could simply go away as the nuisance factor has grown like a wild weed to some, and trying to hide such a feeling from me simply does not work as I see it, hear it, sense it and eventually experience it through their actions or lack thereof.
So as I think of my final days and the care that might be needed, I am frightened and rightfully so, having watched some that are telling my medical team they are here to take care of me, knowing they never were from the beginning and the idea that one might snap a finger and their feelings toward me or my disease will instantly change is absurd and unfortunately,
this,
I sense to often,
feel
too deep, knowing people do not change, will not change but certainly put forth the effort to convince those in the know,
different on a surface level.
All the beliefs and scenarios I had played in my head and talked out load are being tested again. revisited, as signing the papers as a hospice patient has a hospice patient has only left me with the feeling that I have failed myself, unable to prevail and continue without the help of end of life care, something I once thought I was ready for but now know I never was, feeling now what I never felt before, physically and otherwise, my body weaker, thinner, more gaunt and my mind left more cloudy not by medications but by a disease process I embraced some time ago, but a process that is here to wreak havoc on me, that which I know and that which I do not.
I cannot call myself a failure for outliving what was expected, but no that others have, as they see this process as a long drawn out scenario that is nothing more than an inconvenience, an inconvenience they have no problem sharing with me, making innuendos about me that hurt on a surface level but beyond the surface, near my heart and soul.
And to know that I will take such feelings into the afterworld more than frightens me, angers me and makes me wish I could simply go away as the nuisance factor has grown like a wild weed to some, and trying to hide such a feeling from me simply does not work as I see it, hear it, sense it and eventually experience it through their actions or lack thereof.
So as I think of my final days and the care that might be needed, I am frightened and rightfully so, having watched some that are telling my medical team they are here to take care of me, knowing they never were from the beginning and the idea that one might snap a finger and their feelings toward me or my disease will instantly change is absurd and unfortunately,
this,
I sense to often,
feel
too deep, knowing people do not change, will not change but certainly put forth the effort to convince those in the know,
different on a surface level.
posted by the warrior at 2:20 AM
1 Comments:
howdy stranger. How's it been?
Post a Comment
<< Home