comfort
When Dr. V. came this week and confirmed what my mind had been telling me, but my humanistic side pushing it deeper and deeper inward, it became a somber week. I always say we are spirits living a human experience but when your future is mapped out so blatant before you in black and white, it is more than difficult to practice what I so often preach...
...desperately I saw myself wanting, needing to reach out and be comforted, but the comfort was not there. I simply did not reach and clearly put, none was offered.
It has become easier and easier for those that see me that know, truly know, how close I am to leaving this world for another, to respond by saying, 'but you look good' and although I do take it as a compliment, it makes me pause, reflect and wonder why such denial when they know denial is not part of the journey I want or need to experience.
I realize how wrapped up others instantly become in their own personal 'drama' per say, and concluded that it is better to keep my thoughts my own than share as although I never wanted to put up blinds to shut people out, It is easier to wear blinds than think about how many do not have the desire to peek in as that is hurtful and I believe I have endured enough hurt.
So although I have hit another 'bump' in the road, a large bump indeed, I still know where I am going, it is just semantics now, timing that no one, not even the best of the best can predict and the waiting , although I try not to, is painstakingly, gut wrenching when I think of the conclusion, finality and all the misnomers that will be spoken or thought and for some odd reason, it bothers me, keeping me in a somber state.
And I think of the words THE END and what they mean and so desperately want to be here to comfort those when those words are spoken, but know the same persons I want to comfort are the ones that are unable to comfort me....
...desperately I saw myself wanting, needing to reach out and be comforted, but the comfort was not there. I simply did not reach and clearly put, none was offered.
It has become easier and easier for those that see me that know, truly know, how close I am to leaving this world for another, to respond by saying, 'but you look good' and although I do take it as a compliment, it makes me pause, reflect and wonder why such denial when they know denial is not part of the journey I want or need to experience.
I realize how wrapped up others instantly become in their own personal 'drama' per say, and concluded that it is better to keep my thoughts my own than share as although I never wanted to put up blinds to shut people out, It is easier to wear blinds than think about how many do not have the desire to peek in as that is hurtful and I believe I have endured enough hurt.
So although I have hit another 'bump' in the road, a large bump indeed, I still know where I am going, it is just semantics now, timing that no one, not even the best of the best can predict and the waiting , although I try not to, is painstakingly, gut wrenching when I think of the conclusion, finality and all the misnomers that will be spoken or thought and for some odd reason, it bothers me, keeping me in a somber state.
And I think of the words THE END and what they mean and so desperately want to be here to comfort those when those words are spoken, but know the same persons I want to comfort are the ones that are unable to comfort me....
posted by the warrior at 10:59 PM
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