watching from outside of myself...

I always have to be prepared for the visit from Dr. V. as often the mental mind fuck is just too much to process at the time, later or anytime in the near future. Unfortunately, Friday was no different and could possibly the worst news that I have received during this journey of mine, my health deteriorating at a very fast pace, something I knew and could feel, but still seeing the results of testing in black and white and having to stare at the doctor face to face when I am wondering inside, sad, alone, all alone and scared and wanting to look away, often doing so is hard for me emotionally and it is at these time that I feel a complete separation of the mind, body and spirit and often...I sit above and although looking in the direction of Dr. V., I am watching from outside of myself...

I know my time has been a gift and I have surpassed all expectations set forth by the medical profession but I aslo anm not unaware that at some point it will all come tumbling down and that which I have been preparing for, the afterlife, will come into fruition and I will face the darkness, alone until my spirit guides assist me in the transition of life after death.

I think of those I am and will leave behind and understand there lack of calling, their lack of comfort and in some cases, their lack of communication what so ever and so many times I yearn for a phone call, a word of hope, something, anything, to let me know that they are still watching, still care as ZI care about them and sit waiting for the phone to ring, but it does not and I say I understand but to say it does not hurt, really hurt is anything but the truth and this saddens me as their lives have moved on without me in them, without a word of how and why they are doing what they are doing and without the ability to tell so many that I still do care,
deeply,
and completely and only wish....