screaming in silence
It's back, the anxiety and this this time, with a vengeance. Not that I have not struggled with anxiety and the realities facing me along my journey, but in broaching the issue with the Dr. his feelings are that it is an intense chemical change that continues as my body tries to ward off the impossible and make sacrifices to 'keep walking', pulling from on direction so that I can go the other and then back again.
It is not a new feeling just one that is full of ridiculous and redundant thought, much fear that I have worked through and resolved, leaving me more of a prisoner than I already believed myself to be, wondering ifs and whens and the physical pains that have intensified so dramatically over the course of little time, my body trying desperately to adapt to the changes approaching, as well as my inability to do so much that actually was so little just a few months ago with no resolve in sight.
And when I feel or believe I feel half way 'normal', not even knowing what the definition is anymore, I overdo it, not intentionally but out of the what if I cannot tomorrow or later and thus my exhaustion level is greater which only compounds the beginning of my thoughts, a cycle that spins round and round and round some more.
I am tired when I make plans, the very thought causing the exhaustion and yet I am excited just the same. My sleep pattern has crumbled, my body skeletal and as the temperatures warm up my internal or body core temperature still freezes as there is no body fat to speak of to protect me from the elements, the weather changes, the blow wind, etc.
Its a vicious cycle, one that forces me to internally scream in silence, but one I will embrace as to do otherwise would be to stop hoping, to have no more will and a complete lack of resolve. I try to stay occupied and focused but that focus is sporadic and all over the place, a canvas with a series of colors that I know not where it might take me or when it might be complete and this completion,
final.
It is not a new feeling just one that is full of ridiculous and redundant thought, much fear that I have worked through and resolved, leaving me more of a prisoner than I already believed myself to be, wondering ifs and whens and the physical pains that have intensified so dramatically over the course of little time, my body trying desperately to adapt to the changes approaching, as well as my inability to do so much that actually was so little just a few months ago with no resolve in sight.
And when I feel or believe I feel half way 'normal', not even knowing what the definition is anymore, I overdo it, not intentionally but out of the what if I cannot tomorrow or later and thus my exhaustion level is greater which only compounds the beginning of my thoughts, a cycle that spins round and round and round some more.
I am tired when I make plans, the very thought causing the exhaustion and yet I am excited just the same. My sleep pattern has crumbled, my body skeletal and as the temperatures warm up my internal or body core temperature still freezes as there is no body fat to speak of to protect me from the elements, the weather changes, the blow wind, etc.
Its a vicious cycle, one that forces me to internally scream in silence, but one I will embrace as to do otherwise would be to stop hoping, to have no more will and a complete lack of resolve. I try to stay occupied and focused but that focus is sporadic and all over the place, a canvas with a series of colors that I know not where it might take me or when it might be complete and this completion,
final.
posted by the warrior at 2:26 AM
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