I recently finished a series of questions presented to me by one going after her PHD. at Staffordshire University in England, going back and forth and back again, I had time to reflect before answering and while answering her research questions, realizing that as prepared as I am for the finality of my journey to cease, the want and desire to continue thrives just as great, if not greater than my body appearance seems to allow and dictate, hoping for more and more but knowing the odds are stacked on the other side, the side I have prepared myself to enter or so I thought until I began to question some of my original beliefs, wishes and desires, making changes on paper to the proper people without coercion, with a clear mind and spirit.
Its not fear that leads me down this path its the knowing that the end is near and know matter how hard I hope, how much I want, how great my will, my body is losing the battle that I knew it could not win as I see myself thinner, more gaunt, eyes darkened by circles of restlessness, hoarse from trying to speak in a normal tone knowing that normal is somethat that was a yesterday and has no more meaning in mylife and remains a memory that I too, soon will forget as I go further within myself, for many reasons, some to be shared and more to remain a mystery until I am but a memory and those that ask and may wonder will lern that who they thought I was was a not and someone different was always there, always waiting to be heard from but other 'things' were more important and continue to be and this, fine with me, is the truth of which I see as an ending I would never have written but will accept as the choice is limted and my options, less.
Its the dignity that will follow and the rest will never matter as it was not supposed to matter or I would report different, think different and feel different about my ending, my journey, my quality of life or lack there of and those that so desperately try to control much as they once did before, causing me to run and run faster and further only this time I am too tired, to weak to run but internally I hide and will never be found...
I will rest now as I was before my mind started to think and my fingers to type as sometimes happens, not often enough but happens, to allow others to make false judgments, stretch the truth as their own and try and silence me one more time or again.
Its not fear that leads me down this path its the knowing that the end is near and know matter how hard I hope, how much I want, how great my will, my body is losing the battle that I knew it could not win as I see myself thinner, more gaunt, eyes darkened by circles of restlessness, hoarse from trying to speak in a normal tone knowing that normal is somethat that was a yesterday and has no more meaning in mylife and remains a memory that I too, soon will forget as I go further within myself, for many reasons, some to be shared and more to remain a mystery until I am but a memory and those that ask and may wonder will lern that who they thought I was was a not and someone different was always there, always waiting to be heard from but other 'things' were more important and continue to be and this, fine with me, is the truth of which I see as an ending I would never have written but will accept as the choice is limted and my options, less.
Its the dignity that will follow and the rest will never matter as it was not supposed to matter or I would report different, think different and feel different about my ending, my journey, my quality of life or lack there of and those that so desperately try to control much as they once did before, causing me to run and run faster and further only this time I am too tired, to weak to run but internally I hide and will never be found...
I will rest now as I was before my mind started to think and my fingers to type as sometimes happens, not often enough but happens, to allow others to make false judgments, stretch the truth as their own and try and silence me one more time or again.
posted by the warrior at 9:05 AM
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