the end
I had a conversation with one of my hospice nurses yesterday morning and the thoughts I was left with, numbed me mentally as I was unable to conjure up the visions she was speaking about.
I asked about my decline and wanted to know what she knew, having seen, first hand, a family member die from a terminal illness that parallels mine with the exception, he was older and his contraction of organ failure was out of carelessness and not something that has left the brightest puzzled as to causation and timing, me being diseased at such a young age with no warning signs or causes for alarms leading up to last summer when my body's everyday functions went a rye and demanded my immediate attention and attention from medical personnel from varying degrees of specialty all focused on a cause and effect that still remains a complete mystery.
When she spoke about the very real possibility of my inability to communicate and make daily living decisions for myself as the end approaches, my inability to properly recognize persons in my life, situations in my life, and the innability to communicate my basic wants and needs, I stopped and listened intent. However, I knew no matter how hard I was trying I was not about to fully grasp the concepts she was explaining not out of her lack of a definition and her lack of knowledge. It was my own mind that could not or would not allow me to even visualize her thoughts as a reality in my not so distant future.
And the more I have thought about what she has said, the less I am retaining possibly out of fear but more likely out of the fact to accept her words as truth, I am forced to give up that which I hold and cling to dearly, hope. To think any different than hope as a centerpiece I find to surreal and disturbing as while the process of demise continues, physical and mental, I will be unable to truly recognize that and those making up my life and since there is no cure, while I am going through the bitter end, my actions or lack thereof will become a memory for those few I allow around me and something that certainly does not travel with my soul but remains part of the final chapter, the final words written about me living.
Consciously, I have made the decision to find a way to communicate, possibly through symbols, my experience, my internal shutdown if not completely but enough so everyone who wishes will have a true understanding of what my last days and hours could have been like if they choose to listen and watch for that which I am leaving behind.
I know however I concentrate and try to explain what I am feeling and what is happening, the concept cannot be fully grasp by those asking and watching as it it solely my life experience and my ending, something only I will fully experience from inside out, above and beyond to hereafter and possibly before.
I asked about my decline and wanted to know what she knew, having seen, first hand, a family member die from a terminal illness that parallels mine with the exception, he was older and his contraction of organ failure was out of carelessness and not something that has left the brightest puzzled as to causation and timing, me being diseased at such a young age with no warning signs or causes for alarms leading up to last summer when my body's everyday functions went a rye and demanded my immediate attention and attention from medical personnel from varying degrees of specialty all focused on a cause and effect that still remains a complete mystery.
When she spoke about the very real possibility of my inability to communicate and make daily living decisions for myself as the end approaches, my inability to properly recognize persons in my life, situations in my life, and the innability to communicate my basic wants and needs, I stopped and listened intent. However, I knew no matter how hard I was trying I was not about to fully grasp the concepts she was explaining not out of her lack of a definition and her lack of knowledge. It was my own mind that could not or would not allow me to even visualize her thoughts as a reality in my not so distant future.
And the more I have thought about what she has said, the less I am retaining possibly out of fear but more likely out of the fact to accept her words as truth, I am forced to give up that which I hold and cling to dearly, hope. To think any different than hope as a centerpiece I find to surreal and disturbing as while the process of demise continues, physical and mental, I will be unable to truly recognize that and those making up my life and since there is no cure, while I am going through the bitter end, my actions or lack thereof will become a memory for those few I allow around me and something that certainly does not travel with my soul but remains part of the final chapter, the final words written about me living.
Consciously, I have made the decision to find a way to communicate, possibly through symbols, my experience, my internal shutdown if not completely but enough so everyone who wishes will have a true understanding of what my last days and hours could have been like if they choose to listen and watch for that which I am leaving behind.
I know however I concentrate and try to explain what I am feeling and what is happening, the concept cannot be fully grasp by those asking and watching as it it solely my life experience and my ending, something only I will fully experience from inside out, above and beyond to hereafter and possibly before.
posted by the warrior at 4:22 AM
1 Comments:
spin your color wheel because it does help those left behind that are also looking for answers.Some of those answers will help them find a peace with or acceptance of what WILL BE. It will also give you peace to know that you are never forgotten ,someone will think of what you have said and smile and think of eric and his canvas of life.
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