an inward stance
I am not sure my meeting Wednesday with the doctor, the nurse administrator, my case manager, the social worker and my parents left me more comfortable, if anything more uncomfortable and most definitely more distant and alone. The words that were uttered to me in private and to the group were words I have heard before only these eyes speaking were more serious, the tone more threatening, the demeanor brutally honest and forthright, which I would have no other way. I felt a ping pong game playing in my head, a regulation game with a Korean, and every time the ball came in my direction I missed and it stung and when I ducked as I often did out of fear, it still stung.
My disease has worsened and I am considered 'grave' as my kidneys are now involved and the lungs aspirate. My medicine has been altered effective today to add quality and comfort and in my case this means stopping 24 pills for one seventy-two hour patch that I will now wear proudly on my butt check, flashing at onlookers when they least expect it (under eighteen and without proper I.D. excluded).
A time frame cannot be given as that is a human impossible but time certainly is borrowed and I will continue to borrow until I no longer am able. I show signs of another infection and fear at the thought of the final weeks or days when I am expected to be unable to communicate at which point I will be near death, near comatose and final preparations made for my soul to leave my shell, if the soul does not leave shortly before the worst for wear. This idea is one I have been contemplating and I am not sure just exactly what my answer is to the question that has been asked often as of late, 'Do you think your soul will leave prior to your physical death?'. I have avoided the thought and dance around it free flowing like one enjoying a drum circle, avoiding the fire, but becoming the constant beat in four directions, in various pitches.
I imagine flying to a promised land and being welcomed to the sound of 'hello JOE!' until they realize I am not a JOE a JOEY or a JOSEPH, simply a warrior that has completed his life path. So I take a stance firmly in the sand and scream inward as I move onward expecting and needing another day.
My disease has worsened and I am considered 'grave' as my kidneys are now involved and the lungs aspirate. My medicine has been altered effective today to add quality and comfort and in my case this means stopping 24 pills for one seventy-two hour patch that I will now wear proudly on my butt check, flashing at onlookers when they least expect it (under eighteen and without proper I.D. excluded).
A time frame cannot be given as that is a human impossible but time certainly is borrowed and I will continue to borrow until I no longer am able. I show signs of another infection and fear at the thought of the final weeks or days when I am expected to be unable to communicate at which point I will be near death, near comatose and final preparations made for my soul to leave my shell, if the soul does not leave shortly before the worst for wear. This idea is one I have been contemplating and I am not sure just exactly what my answer is to the question that has been asked often as of late, 'Do you think your soul will leave prior to your physical death?'. I have avoided the thought and dance around it free flowing like one enjoying a drum circle, avoiding the fire, but becoming the constant beat in four directions, in various pitches.
I imagine flying to a promised land and being welcomed to the sound of 'hello JOE!' until they realize I am not a JOE a JOEY or a JOSEPH, simply a warrior that has completed his life path. So I take a stance firmly in the sand and scream inward as I move onward expecting and needing another day.
posted by the warrior at 11:33 PM
2 Comments:
OK, how to phrase this so that you don't think I'm completely mad, or misunderstand-
Let's see; OK, try this-do you believe in astral projection?
Now, if the answer is yes, the second question is, have you ever heard the expression "wandering in their mind"?
The phrase is used primarily to describe the delirium associated with the gravely ill and simultaneously elderly, although in recent years it's been used to describe anyone gravely ill over the age of say, 18 or 19 years of age whose behaviour seems to indicate the person is going through this.
Alright, suppose the answers to both questions are "Yes."
(Deep breath...)
What if I told you that when someone is critically injured, or is 'en extremeus', they very often astrally project? That they find themselves in someone's living room, or bedroom, or garden, and if the occupant is willing, they can have interesting conversations about (forgive the pun) life, the universe, and everything?
Would you be able to believe?
BTW, as you know, I'm looking for a new place to live. I've been having the worst luck-until just now as I got nearly through typing the above-a woman just called, we're meeting at 3:30 Georgia time, to look at a little house that is perfect for me, Gator, AND my bank account.
eric, i have found and read only this one blog, but am touched and impressed by you. i have some experience with dying (my father and my good good friend willa).
i hope you have friends/family/support. i am glad you are writing.
kj
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