sunday 16.07
I left with little expectation or so I thought and I returned in tears, wondering why I had decided to go in the first place as the expectation that I deny existed ended up crushing my soul for I did not understand and no explanation can now change how I allowed myself to feel, hurt and alone in a club of two thousand if even one other.
It did not help that my sandaled foot was stomped on, accidentally with attitude, by a heel, high and brown and the apology so ungracious and disconcerting. I have sat and wondered for hours now and wonder if something more should be said or whether I need to just accept the fact that people, often many, are not in a spiritual or human place for that matter to accept that which is bothering me and thus, silenced, I was and am ignored and left a pawn on a queen's chess board, laughing hysterically at the one thing I never wanted and received, a loud check mate.
And once my piece was removed I wondered further in my own distance, things I never wonder, or forget to wonder, as the pain is to great physically and emotionally. I now await to cross a road full of traffic and have been dared not to be seen and when I look at what remains I cry again and hopefully soon will fall asleep and live on my terms not those so meticulously set forth for me so many years ago.
For it is me that refused to live my life and fulfill my dreams out of an unwritten fear.
The fear I would not receive that which I still do not have, love.
And I will continue to exude love and pray as I shake my head from left to right and vision a different outcome, a different beginning, a different expectation that I was convinced never was. I taste the salt from my wounded pride and clear my blurred thoughts with my left hand, feeling empty and alone, cold and afraid in the heat of a Texas moon, the sun just waiting to rise so my pain can be noticed by all those who wish to look and make fun of me as they have before and most certainly, again.
It did not help that my sandaled foot was stomped on, accidentally with attitude, by a heel, high and brown and the apology so ungracious and disconcerting. I have sat and wondered for hours now and wonder if something more should be said or whether I need to just accept the fact that people, often many, are not in a spiritual or human place for that matter to accept that which is bothering me and thus, silenced, I was and am ignored and left a pawn on a queen's chess board, laughing hysterically at the one thing I never wanted and received, a loud check mate.
And once my piece was removed I wondered further in my own distance, things I never wonder, or forget to wonder, as the pain is to great physically and emotionally. I now await to cross a road full of traffic and have been dared not to be seen and when I look at what remains I cry again and hopefully soon will fall asleep and live on my terms not those so meticulously set forth for me so many years ago.
For it is me that refused to live my life and fulfill my dreams out of an unwritten fear.
The fear I would not receive that which I still do not have, love.
And I will continue to exude love and pray as I shake my head from left to right and vision a different outcome, a different beginning, a different expectation that I was convinced never was. I taste the salt from my wounded pride and clear my blurred thoughts with my left hand, feeling empty and alone, cold and afraid in the heat of a Texas moon, the sun just waiting to rise so my pain can be noticed by all those who wish to look and make fun of me as they have before and most certainly, again.
posted by the warrior at 5:41 AM
2 Comments:
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People say that we should not be hurt by these things, as if the hurt we feel is our fault when we are rejected out of hand with not even a full interview, and then react with pain at the rejection.
"let it go" say the well meaning.
I've often wondered at their good intentions, ya know? It just seems our hurt is an affront to them, somehow, and an inconvenience that we have inflicted.
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