medical update

I remember a conversation I had with my treating physician, in Florida, a few days more than eight months ago when she told me that I had a broken transmission and I laughed, telling her that you do not replace a transmission, you replace the car. She hesitated and then told me that the transmission was me and we both laughed trying to figure out how to replace something that cannot be replaced.

Yesterday I learned that my broken transmission is being held together by several rusted paper clips on either side and once again I found myself laughing, a nervous laugh as the once thought, I am going to get better, was replaced at least by medical terms with, there is no cure and my situation is 'grave' at best.

Sadly, when words with power were spoken in the group of seven, I was relieved. Relieved that the disbelievers should be squashed, the denial quieted and the death, my death, looms in the future, not too distant from where I was sitting and 'digesting the medical words of wisdom.' Any person who shed doubt, and there have been more than I care to admit, was able to see an internal makeup of my person in black and white.
I did not cry.
I did not fidget.
I sat somber wondering how to prepare myself for the inevitable loss of consciousness and coma leading to a death that may last several days or a month to be more exact. The concept was too large to grasp, much like the paradox I call G-d. But when it was over, I breathed deep and turned inward and found more energy to burn, only now it is cautious energy, to be used somewhat wisely as I check and triple check all that before and behind me that has been my life.

I move forward today with self confidence and conviction knowing that my life has been well served and If given the opportunity, I will fight further for more borrowed time and wonder if now I am called a miracle, what they may call me in another six months...let the battles continue.