feeling 'navy blue'

Now, I have so very little to say and feel my once energized external self withering away, internally soaking up all the good I have to give and the laughter I have to share. And I still love and hope for there truly is nothing left so even the hope is false and the love is tainted. Somewhere so very deep I have buried that piece that was my identity, that person I called eric and now, I smile and I laugh but it is not the same and often forced. I move about in circles only to end up in the same spot that I began hours and sometimes a day ago. I wear a mask of a thousand faces so as to not have to view my own and accept me as reality for I am embarrassed and ashamed that my life has so little meaning and I have seen before my eyes so little use of me or any part thereof in the lives of another.

And as fearful, with acceptance about death I am even more fearful about life for living

Stopped

Days ago…

And my heart broke and my dreams faded and my tears dried

Leaving what is left

Hollow and unfortunately, me.

And sometimes (most times) when I cannot tolerate the pain any longer I punish myself even more by refusing to take my medicine for now I believe that I am not worthy of comfort and certainly no afterlife for as I look at this one, I shutter and my heart stops momentarily as I see the waste of space I claim as my own, the same space that contains me and everything I am, failure. So I bathe with oatmeal soap knowing that the rashes of my skin irritate more but not being able to stand the sight I only hope that the scales of skin become clumps and I wash down a drain of scalded water and melt away slowly so that every piece of my being has to feel the torment, the ugliness, the simple waste that I have become and like I have been told, probably am.