monday 31.07

This morning was rough and it was not because of the hour of traffic that led to nowhere in front and in back of us. I could only look at so many homes from so many angles in the same spot for so long and then, I lost interest. The heat I was experiencing only intensified at my physician's office. He had the blood work. He had the look and the outcome was nothing more than a pep talk from him and his staff to me wishing there was something else he could tell me, possibly a new line or a simplified explanation as to why I am dying and the toll, the insurmountable toll the act of dying is taking on my system physically first and mentally second.

And I say this with a puzzled look on my face as I am resolute and still disbelieve and there is so much unknown for which I cannot control and the blessing of having life and experiencing life is worth hearing three thousand more times I am terminal as I am not too positive I lived vivaciously, with conviction, until I knew there was not a lot of livening to be done. So I sat and nodded and washed away a tear and left where I started. A little bolder and more anxious, inward, definitely more inward and lonely but not alone.