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I got the 'adult children do not come home to live that often' lecture yesterday, not that I have not heard it before and before that too. I sat and listened and said not a word as I was taken off guard, quite perplexed and know that to say anything is to add fuel to an already burning flame so its best to just let it burn itself out, if that is possible and until I die, the fire will continue to smolder, I will be looked upon with great animosity and regret, and be treated as the child I once was, the adult spoken of, but so very often left out of every and all equations.

It stings, actually burns as the wounds continue to open wide, no healing able to take place as I ponder the many conversations had prior to my arrival when I was adamant about not coming to Texas and was pleaded with until I finally accepted the invitation. Yes, I was invited and that is how I got here, leaving all that I worked for behind, told it was only material things that could be replaced, my health the most important, for without your health, you have nothing. I bought the idea, hook, line and sinker...

When I arrived I was praised and thanked for what I did as it was how I was raised and now, I am scolded if those same things are not done correctly, even though my abilities to do are much less than they once where and the energies exerted taking a toll that is irreversible, all in the name of peace of mind. If my hair is wrong, I am told. If my outfit isn't liked, I am told. If my cooking is overdone, I am told. If I have plans and am unable to drop everything as an order is being cast upon me, its silence and the silence turns into unwillingness to assist me with what ever I might need assistance with.

The little things I worried about and discussed prior to coming , when I was told I worry too much about the small stuff, still have not been done. It is as if while I was airborne, there was a change of heart...

Being grateful for a roof over my head is not good enough, nothing ever has been, nothing ever will be until there is finality on my being,, my chapter closed.

... I was never told but instead reap the consequences of living where I truly was not wanted, in a situation that never could have worked to begin with as I was never going to be treated as an adult, and at the very least, I do not believe that is or was too much to ask for.

I knew not to come to Texas. My heart and soul told me different. The fear of a terminal illness overtook me. And since I did not die when I was supposed to die as originally thought, its my fault, as it has always been since as long as my mind can remember.

Grateful I will always be and never can stress that thought or say it enough as it is never believed as I should do more, be more, and change my believes, morals and convictions to benefit another's, as mine are perceived as trivial in a space and a place that does not belong to me.

Now, the task of getting out sooner than later in the physical state I am,
alive.
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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

They only regret not being better parents. What they see in you is what they don't like about themselves.

You are a perfect soul, regardless of your mistakes...love and forgive them, that is all you can do.

mama bear

12:40 PM  

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