It stings, actually burns as the wounds continue to open wide, no healing able to take place as I ponder the many conversations had prior to my arrival when I was adamant about not coming to Texas and was pleaded with until I finally accepted the invitation. Yes, I was invited and that is how I got here, leaving all that I worked for behind, told it was only material things that could be replaced, my health the most important, for without your health, you have nothing. I bought the idea, hook, line and sinker...
When I arrived I was praised and thanked for what I did as it was how I was raised and now, I am scolded if those same things are not done correctly, even though my abilities to do are much less than they once where and the energies exerted taking a toll that is irreversible, all in the name of peace of mind. If my hair is wrong, I am told. If my outfit isn't liked, I am told. If my cooking is overdone, I am told. If I have plans and am unable to drop everything as an order is being cast upon me, its silence and the silence turns into unwillingness to assist me with what ever I might need assistance with.
The little things I worried about and discussed prior to coming , when I was told I worry too much about the small stuff, still have not been done. It is as if while I was airborne, there was a change of heart...
Being grateful for a roof over my head is not good enough, nothing ever has been, nothing ever will be until there is finality on my being,, my chapter closed.
... I was never told but instead reap the consequences of living where I truly was not wanted, in a situation that never could have worked to begin with as I was never going to be treated as an adult, and at the very least, I do not believe that is or was too much to ask for.
I knew not to come to Texas. My heart and soul told me different. The fear of a terminal illness overtook me. And since I did not die when I was supposed to die as originally thought, its my fault, as it has always been since as long as my mind can remember.
Grateful I will always be and never can stress that thought or say it enough as it is never believed as I should do more, be more, and change my believes, morals and convictions to benefit another's, as mine are perceived as trivial in a space and a place that does not belong to me.
Now, the task of getting out sooner than later in the physical state I am,