comfort zone
The last few nights have been unbearably cold here in Texas, colder than I can remember but I must take into consideration that the rapid loss of weight that unfortunately continues pound by pound, leaves me with a very low BMI and any body fat remaining, my body feeds upon according to the experts that have seen me lately, to keep my organs working and me alive.
Combine that with the compression fractures that are now on and around my spine and the pain has been constant, never ending and a reminder of the fight for which I cannot win, only hope and will for a better today than yesterday and be thankful that there is a today, period.
The process once thought to move quick is moving slow and this is good news for me but ever questioning those around me as they all of a sudden have their own take, their own medical degrees and find humor in providing me with an opinion that is anything less than positive for my mind to think about in any way I try to analyze it, so most of the time I discard it as I know to get caught in the trap of what others think, believe or perceive is dangerous, especially at this stage of my illness.
Tonight Ashley Marie and I got to walk for the first time in 4 days and it felt good. It felt refreshing and although I spent most of the day in bed with back spasms that were dancing some type of unwanted 2 Step (this is Texas), I was able to tolerate it by thinking of other thoughts and those in worse condition than myself or those that simply no longer try. And I do not have to walk very far to see that firsthand daily and the mere thought is beyond sad, it is repulsive and against everything I believe in from my core values to the simplicities of life itself.
Friday I will see the Dr. again and he will not be amused to notice that more compression fractures have appeared upon my back and I will be most interested to hear his plan of action as the last gave me little to no relief at all and if this is about quality of life, we together, he and I , are not batting anywhere near close to comfort.
I know I still do too much and can feel the popping and often hear it as well when I bend or stretch or lift or push, pull, carry...things I have been warned NOT to do. However, when I see what has to be done, it is difficult to just lay there or watch another do something that should not be their chore and although the best remedy would be to hire one to assist me, the thought talked about often, the action of doing so has not taken place and I begin to doubt whether it ever will.
And sadly, if I were unable to fend for myself for any length of time right now, NO ONE knows my medication, my doses and could quite easily under or over medicate me without trying as although it has been mentioned that they want to learn, no effort has been made to approach me to learn and I, personally, do not believe it is my responsibility to force someone to do or be involved in my care when action speaks louder than words and although words have said one thing, actions say something entirely different and prove to be more truthful when it is as serious as administering medication to a terminally ill patient, this patient me.
Combine that with the compression fractures that are now on and around my spine and the pain has been constant, never ending and a reminder of the fight for which I cannot win, only hope and will for a better today than yesterday and be thankful that there is a today, period.
The process once thought to move quick is moving slow and this is good news for me but ever questioning those around me as they all of a sudden have their own take, their own medical degrees and find humor in providing me with an opinion that is anything less than positive for my mind to think about in any way I try to analyze it, so most of the time I discard it as I know to get caught in the trap of what others think, believe or perceive is dangerous, especially at this stage of my illness.
Tonight Ashley Marie and I got to walk for the first time in 4 days and it felt good. It felt refreshing and although I spent most of the day in bed with back spasms that were dancing some type of unwanted 2 Step (this is Texas), I was able to tolerate it by thinking of other thoughts and those in worse condition than myself or those that simply no longer try. And I do not have to walk very far to see that firsthand daily and the mere thought is beyond sad, it is repulsive and against everything I believe in from my core values to the simplicities of life itself.
Friday I will see the Dr. again and he will not be amused to notice that more compression fractures have appeared upon my back and I will be most interested to hear his plan of action as the last gave me little to no relief at all and if this is about quality of life, we together, he and I , are not batting anywhere near close to comfort.
I know I still do too much and can feel the popping and often hear it as well when I bend or stretch or lift or push, pull, carry...things I have been warned NOT to do. However, when I see what has to be done, it is difficult to just lay there or watch another do something that should not be their chore and although the best remedy would be to hire one to assist me, the thought talked about often, the action of doing so has not taken place and I begin to doubt whether it ever will.
And sadly, if I were unable to fend for myself for any length of time right now, NO ONE knows my medication, my doses and could quite easily under or over medicate me without trying as although it has been mentioned that they want to learn, no effort has been made to approach me to learn and I, personally, do not believe it is my responsibility to force someone to do or be involved in my care when action speaks louder than words and although words have said one thing, actions say something entirely different and prove to be more truthful when it is as serious as administering medication to a terminally ill patient, this patient me.
posted by the warrior at 12:57 AM
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