Almost on cue I was awakened by Ashley Marie with her tail thumping next to the bed, her sign to awaken me and take her outside at 1:35 am. Usually I am up but lately I have been going to slumber or trying to, much earlier due to the awful chill in the air and the refusal of my parents to put on the heat. It was nice sitting outside as the temperature was warmer than in, the humidity much higher as a front passes through as the cold where I sleep remains constant and uncomfortable even under layers of comforters and a quilt.
In the layer after layer I now sleep in, I am chilled to the bone, something that is not new but more pronounced, difficult at best to become accustomed to. Always I have felt the Fall chill, but never a chill like this, my BMI dropping significantly from last Fall and wreaking havoc on my system as a whole.
Ashley Marie grabbed a ball and danced in the moonlight like a Palomino Pony, me laughing, but not loud enough for her to hear as I knew as she was dancing, she was watching me, making sure I too was watching her. I listened to the crickets chirp and owls 'who' in harmony, the little one following at the door with her need to go to the bathroom as well.
I reflected on this past weekend, David and his wife having invited her family and our family over for an early Thanksgiving, a well thought out plan to get the two families together and give them the day of Thanksgiving itself to spend with their new family, the baby continuing to grow.
The two grandmothers swooned over the baby, mother keeping constant visual out of the corner of her eye and since not having seen her family since Father's Day, it was easy to start up and maintain conversation. Jim had a new haircut. Its difficult to hide freshly cut hair and I was asked by more than one how I was doing as it no longer is easy to hide the massive amounts of weight my illness has cause my body to drop. I saw the looks of concern but tire to smooth things over with the same hope and will that keeps me going daily...
I learned why my parents have no big trees in their yard, 'the upkeep', another striking difference between the three of us as I never would have thought that to be a reason not to have trees, especially when I remember always having large trees as a child and playing in the leaves or raking them was half the fun of having the trees anyway. Never a bird feeder but we had our share of birds and it added a sense of shade from the blazing sun and I wondered if they had trees if they would have forgone the screens that make the house look barren as one cannot look in, my mother still hesitate for some odd reason to open the blinds.
After a few smokes we came back inside and I decided it was time to blog, not having done so in awhile now, not out of lack of thoughts, but the lack of will, tired, always tired...
And knowing that people read or have the accessibility to read what I write and take it out of context has created a personal dilemma for me, deciding what I WANT to share rather than what I WISH to share.
And as the process of dying that originally was thought to be accelerated in speed has not slowed as much as it now involves a series of organs instead of the one or two it was initially affecting. Thus to my benefit time continues as I have hoped and willed for... this, difficult on me and the knowing that people around are second guessing is bothersome, quite bothersome. So instead of speaking about it, I remain more introverted to benefit all but sometimes or more often, I wonder if my choosing to do so is healthy, however; knowing or learning how people in general feel about terminal disease and those that have one, its almost best left unsaid and questions are answered as they are asked, information no longer a free commodity and series of explanations that sometimes are difficult for me to understand let alone explain them in their entirety.
Still, I will honor my promise and continue to write, maybe more sparse or possibly not as often as I know the day is coming soon when writing will be too difficult and all the thoughts that remain in my head will be lost or forgotten as they never were shared they way I originally intended.
In the layer after layer I now sleep in, I am chilled to the bone, something that is not new but more pronounced, difficult at best to become accustomed to. Always I have felt the Fall chill, but never a chill like this, my BMI dropping significantly from last Fall and wreaking havoc on my system as a whole.
Ashley Marie grabbed a ball and danced in the moonlight like a Palomino Pony, me laughing, but not loud enough for her to hear as I knew as she was dancing, she was watching me, making sure I too was watching her. I listened to the crickets chirp and owls 'who' in harmony, the little one following at the door with her need to go to the bathroom as well.
I reflected on this past weekend, David and his wife having invited her family and our family over for an early Thanksgiving, a well thought out plan to get the two families together and give them the day of Thanksgiving itself to spend with their new family, the baby continuing to grow.
The two grandmothers swooned over the baby, mother keeping constant visual out of the corner of her eye and since not having seen her family since Father's Day, it was easy to start up and maintain conversation. Jim had a new haircut. Its difficult to hide freshly cut hair and I was asked by more than one how I was doing as it no longer is easy to hide the massive amounts of weight my illness has cause my body to drop. I saw the looks of concern but tire to smooth things over with the same hope and will that keeps me going daily...
I learned why my parents have no big trees in their yard, 'the upkeep', another striking difference between the three of us as I never would have thought that to be a reason not to have trees, especially when I remember always having large trees as a child and playing in the leaves or raking them was half the fun of having the trees anyway. Never a bird feeder but we had our share of birds and it added a sense of shade from the blazing sun and I wondered if they had trees if they would have forgone the screens that make the house look barren as one cannot look in, my mother still hesitate for some odd reason to open the blinds.
After a few smokes we came back inside and I decided it was time to blog, not having done so in awhile now, not out of lack of thoughts, but the lack of will, tired, always tired...
And knowing that people read or have the accessibility to read what I write and take it out of context has created a personal dilemma for me, deciding what I WANT to share rather than what I WISH to share.
And as the process of dying that originally was thought to be accelerated in speed has not slowed as much as it now involves a series of organs instead of the one or two it was initially affecting. Thus to my benefit time continues as I have hoped and willed for... this, difficult on me and the knowing that people around are second guessing is bothersome, quite bothersome. So instead of speaking about it, I remain more introverted to benefit all but sometimes or more often, I wonder if my choosing to do so is healthy, however; knowing or learning how people in general feel about terminal disease and those that have one, its almost best left unsaid and questions are answered as they are asked, information no longer a free commodity and series of explanations that sometimes are difficult for me to understand let alone explain them in their entirety.
Still, I will honor my promise and continue to write, maybe more sparse or possibly not as often as I know the day is coming soon when writing will be too difficult and all the thoughts that remain in my head will be lost or forgotten as they never were shared they way I originally intended.
posted by the warrior at 2:53 AM
1 Comments:
Eric, This is your blog! Meant for your thoughts! WHY are you worrying about any ones interpretation? That is their problem, not yours. You owe no one an apology for what you feel and need to express. Just be true to yourself!!!! Eventually "they" will have their own lessons to learn.
My Prayers, LeeAnn
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