uncle

I took my cherry flavored tobacco and offered it to the earth, planting it along the back fence under the halo of the moon serving as my flashlight, thinking that I was alone to say ritual and give thanks for another day, another breath only to realize upon re-entering my parents home that the fire ants too had joined me so I quickly headed for the sink where I washed my foot thoroughly, too late for the itching and blisters that have already appeared.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotion, the fact that the flu looms within helping little, offering nothing but a reason to feel chills and want to sleep which I appreciated as my body is definitely deprived in that department. I had several conversations of great meaning, insinuating to the one I was speaking to a grave concern I had only for the person to agree, not realizing the concern I was voicing had to do directly with antics they showed and I was left baffled that someone with so much intelligence had so little regard for what I was saying as either the guilt was too much to bare or the thoughts I spoke were never fully processed the way I intended.

Tomorrow the doctor returns again. First eight weeks, down to six, then four that turned into twice a month and now weekly, giving me a clue as to the condition my body is in, my mind trying to remain full of hope and faith for the little things I cling to as reasons to continue with strong will and a deep desire for life.

I feel my body changing faster and more powerfully than before, trying not to compare but unable not to notice the dramatic changes taking place. Still, I continue to travel forward on my journey knowing I am not alone, either by words spoken from total strangers or the signs of love I receive from a few when they feel it appropriate. Others have left me as an outcast and this I have yet to fully accept but realize that days that once were are no longer and truth displays itself in the oddest manor, the hurt and misunderstanding following and causing a pain that continuously pierces my heart.

I look forward to a change in temperature although I know a fall and then a cold winter will be rough, very rough on a body that has now become fragile, a body I call my own, hoping I am able to survive to see an ice storm or maybe even the madness of March after the thaw.

Probability is certainly not on my side and although neither was it last, this time it is different and the dwindling away of my physique is quite apparent even to those that see me on a daily basis, almost too much for those that have not seen me in awhile without a fore warning of the thinness that has become me, the pace slower, the voice rougher, as all energy expended is obvious now to the naked eye, even one not watching.

I still make plans and am determined to see them through before I decide I can do no more, the idea of lying in bed for hours not appealing, not wanted and certainly not looked forward to. I have shown I am a survivor and this I am proud of and grateful for those that believe and continue to offer, meaning what they say rather than passing gibberish in my direction as it is the right thing to do, no where to be seen or heard from when it really matters and their offer of support gone with the chirping cricket stepped upon and eaten by the little dog.

Tomorrow is another day and I look for it cautiously, knowing the doctor has always left me wanting to process his words, his findings and for this I keep the i-pod handy, ready to serve as my escape from those and that surrounding me when I want to enter a space I call my own for no other reason than it is something I need to do. Still, with all before and behind me I refuse to say uncle as I did as a child, taking the punishment for reasons unknown but reasons none the less.