sunday 03.09

I am still trying to determine what kind of weekend I am having, remaining in Texas and away from Florida. I have role played situations and created a plethora of thought, many unwarranted and the rest probably unjust as it simply is my mind self sabotaging any type or degree that I had of self image and although I am quite bothered that I allow myself to have these thoughts at all, I am equally bothered at the non response I have gotten from too many that I was supposed to see on my journey east and that response has been none at all.

It is another simple case of, if it is not there, it does not exist and life goes on. Only in my mind, it still exists so I am surprised when I call one who just two days ago was talking to often, making detailed plans with me, is no longer available or able to receive a phone call. And if it were over a few hours I could better digest what I figuratively am thinking but because the silence is so pronounced now, over a series of more than two days, I do not understand ones and mores inability to pick up the phone or respond to a left message or a sent e-mail.

All the while I realize that plans do change and rapidly at that and probably the worry is for nothing, just another reason I can give to keep from sleeping at night. Obviously I need to explore this issue further only because it seems to be a recent pattern of mine and the thoughts once so positive and so light have become a darker color that if I allow, and a few hours I have, my mood becomes somber and fight, so valiant, less important.