eating chinese food before dinner
Tonight I was talking to my RN friend and I brought up the word intrepidation to explain my upcoming trip to Florida and after I painted her an accurate picture of what was causing such anxiety and fear she mentioned, as simplistic and routine as one could, me to take a hydrocodone, one at least and an ativan as the intrepidation was being brought to the surface for reasons, most uncontrollable but one, controllable. My lack of medicating or taking what I want or refusal to take a medicine that has been prescribed faithfully and regularly out of the 'I am afraid of feeling high' rationale, I was in no uncertain terms, sabotaging my physical well being and living through avoidable pain and expected fear.
Interestingly enough, in different conversations with my hospice team on more than several occasions , I have been told that I 'use my medication too sparingly'. I always have agreed, knowing what they meant, but not how to justifiably, in my mind, correct the situation, but promising to do 'better'.
Tonight, the simplicity of her words and comfort of her voice, made me realize that I do fore go needed medication, not intentionally per say, but out of the unknown and fear that it might possibly kill me. And during the course of our conversation I was able to rationally and completely understand how correcting my medication and the dosages, even the time at which I take it, can have a significant bearing on my overall well being, keeping the 'ME", for the most part, comfortable and pain free physically and to a higher degree mentally too while allowing me to still function in every day life with the limitations my disease has already placed before me.
The difference in my understanding and wanting to understand is key. I can relate to what she says and I fully trust her opinion and her capacity in knowing that she only wants the very best for me as we have developed an unbreakable and strengthening bond in the short time we have been acquaintances. She speaks from a point of being well versed in her knowledge of medicine and my condition as well as taking the time to ask pertinent questions out of genuine concern and sometimes curiosity so that she knows, in her mind, that I am feeling the best I possibly can during this most awkward stage and point in my evolution. Not to mention we laugh and cry and view the world from similar perspectives and plain enjoy communicating with one another.
No one on my current medical 'team' has taken the time to speak so direct and humorously, but truthfully to me about the cause and effect of each medication. Instead, I am asked a symptom, I respond with my own verbiage to either confirm or deny and I am prescribed a medicine and it arrives in the mail several days later. Now during this several days of waiting, I have taken the time to google each and every letter of the medication, can speak about the PDR past laymens terms and down to molecular data and research studies and make an assuming guess as to whether I want to TRY something that MIGHT have a side effect or simply push the medication itself to the side not realizing the full advantage, the WHY I am prescribed and HOW MUCH and most importantly WHEN.
So more often than not, I 'toy' with the medicine and try it because I like the color and watch for a side effect and once I am convinced that a side effect is taking place, I discard the medication or stop taking it or only take a fraction of the recommended dose to prevent the side effect altogether. In turn, I am, physically, in a constant state of imbalance and allow my pain level to increase to the point where my thoughts can become irrational and even dillusional, my mind wandering elsewhere because it is over worked with questions that I CANNOT answer and CANNOT get answered until I meet my creator. The imbalance plays havoc with my sanity, figuratively and I, deep in thought, remain perplexed and experience something magnified and often quadrupled.
Having made myself aware and having been made aware of my medication issues, she has offered to sit me down and explain, as she would to her own child or lover or me, the friend, HOW, WHY and WHEN to take my medication so that my quality of life can improve, and any improvement is angelic in my thought process. She will explain, as only she can and only she has offered, and calls it an honor to teach me what I need to know to assist me in relieving the pain and more importantly by doing so, allow my mind the ability to calm and sooth and enjoy in comfort rather than in constant battle. So instead of guessing and wondering and even occasionally wishing, which I so try to avoid doing, I can be confident with the peace I am making, my path, my life until I am but a memory.
Interestingly enough, in different conversations with my hospice team on more than several occasions , I have been told that I 'use my medication too sparingly'. I always have agreed, knowing what they meant, but not how to justifiably, in my mind, correct the situation, but promising to do 'better'.
Tonight, the simplicity of her words and comfort of her voice, made me realize that I do fore go needed medication, not intentionally per say, but out of the unknown and fear that it might possibly kill me. And during the course of our conversation I was able to rationally and completely understand how correcting my medication and the dosages, even the time at which I take it, can have a significant bearing on my overall well being, keeping the 'ME", for the most part, comfortable and pain free physically and to a higher degree mentally too while allowing me to still function in every day life with the limitations my disease has already placed before me.
The difference in my understanding and wanting to understand is key. I can relate to what she says and I fully trust her opinion and her capacity in knowing that she only wants the very best for me as we have developed an unbreakable and strengthening bond in the short time we have been acquaintances. She speaks from a point of being well versed in her knowledge of medicine and my condition as well as taking the time to ask pertinent questions out of genuine concern and sometimes curiosity so that she knows, in her mind, that I am feeling the best I possibly can during this most awkward stage and point in my evolution. Not to mention we laugh and cry and view the world from similar perspectives and plain enjoy communicating with one another.
No one on my current medical 'team' has taken the time to speak so direct and humorously, but truthfully to me about the cause and effect of each medication. Instead, I am asked a symptom, I respond with my own verbiage to either confirm or deny and I am prescribed a medicine and it arrives in the mail several days later. Now during this several days of waiting, I have taken the time to google each and every letter of the medication, can speak about the PDR past laymens terms and down to molecular data and research studies and make an assuming guess as to whether I want to TRY something that MIGHT have a side effect or simply push the medication itself to the side not realizing the full advantage, the WHY I am prescribed and HOW MUCH and most importantly WHEN.
So more often than not, I 'toy' with the medicine and try it because I like the color and watch for a side effect and once I am convinced that a side effect is taking place, I discard the medication or stop taking it or only take a fraction of the recommended dose to prevent the side effect altogether. In turn, I am, physically, in a constant state of imbalance and allow my pain level to increase to the point where my thoughts can become irrational and even dillusional, my mind wandering elsewhere because it is over worked with questions that I CANNOT answer and CANNOT get answered until I meet my creator. The imbalance plays havoc with my sanity, figuratively and I, deep in thought, remain perplexed and experience something magnified and often quadrupled.
Having made myself aware and having been made aware of my medication issues, she has offered to sit me down and explain, as she would to her own child or lover or me, the friend, HOW, WHY and WHEN to take my medication so that my quality of life can improve, and any improvement is angelic in my thought process. She will explain, as only she can and only she has offered, and calls it an honor to teach me what I need to know to assist me in relieving the pain and more importantly by doing so, allow my mind the ability to calm and sooth and enjoy in comfort rather than in constant battle. So instead of guessing and wondering and even occasionally wishing, which I so try to avoid doing, I can be confident with the peace I am making, my path, my life until I am but a memory.
posted by the warrior at 12:43 AM
1 Comments:
it destresses me to hear that you are only now learning/being educated about your medications.
you are on some strong narcotics. it's important you understand how they work and how everything else interacts. i'm glad that's happening.
ps i'd like to hear about your florida trip.
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