today

It has been several days since anything exciting has happened around the compound, as I like to call it, the screens blocking the sun and any view from outside in and my mother refusing to open any blinds inside as she says it is too hot when the blinds are open. When Winter arrives it will be too cold as I have heard it before and know that it is a sign of an emotional state that subconsciously is being expressed and seen by the outside word.

Neighbors still do not ring the doorbell and the phone rings little too, the same callers calling and still, I am not allowed or feel uncomfortable to talk on or even answer the house phone.

So the silence ended today with another 'blowup', words expressed and screamed across the rooms as I was talking on the phone, an embarrassment to me and the person I have to apologize to on the other line. Their is simply no compassion what so ever for me as a person and this is nothing new, as I felt it prior to coming to Texas and it almost kept me in place in Florida. As I continue to see the total disregard for what I am capable of contributing and the demands placed upon me and not upon others, I am thinking more seriously about leaving for a different location and once again, even living with a terminal illness, trying to salvage so bit of sanity by living on my own if even for a month or two or possibly even longer.

The challenges before me are and have been great and any excess garbage is unhealthy and has to be rid of and I know I can be told a thousand and one times and even again and until I decide I need to leave, nothing will change and I will feel worthless, be respected less and treated indifferently where silence is the norm and a conversation is like an unexpected present from a dear friend...